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Category: tools

You Call That A Shovel? This Is A Shovel.

You Call That A Shovel? This Is A Shovel.

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I want one. No, check that, I want three. I would empty my entire bank account to get my hands on one of these babies. Just think of all the yardwork you could get done. The weeds never stood a chance. The potato-chopping majesty of the combat shovel rules all. You can use it to trim your toenails, chop down a tree, or bludgeon your enemies. The Chinese army shovel puts the Swiss army knife to shame. And Chinese army uniforms are 17 percent less goofy than Swiss Guard unis.

Maybe it’s not the shovel itself that got me hooked. I’m sort of a sucker for infomercials, truth be told. I’d buy a snowcone in February if it had advertising with that John Wayne-ish soundtrack in the background. As long as operators are standing by, my wallet is in danger. Say, I wonder if this juliennes anything. I’d buy anything that juliennes stuff. I don’t even know what that means, but is sounds nifty, doesn’t it?

You Do Not Want A Chainsaw

You Do Not Want A Chainsaw

Chainsaws are for dilettantes. Sledgehammers are for girls in flip-flops. Dynamite is for pikers. Poseurs might take a flutter on an excavator with a demolition thumb, but that’s really a job for old men that need to sit down all day.

No; a real man wants a thermal lance.

Enough To Stop Us Be Men!

Enough To Stop Us Be Men!

As the famous philosopher Dirty Harry once said, A man’s got to know his limitations.

No, not this guy. He doesn’t have any limitations. You saw the video. He is the raison d’etre of the Borderline Sociopathic Blog for Boys. He is the ideal reader, and the subject matter.  No, I’m the one that has to acknowledge my limitations, and I do so freely right here and now: I can never compete with Google Translate for writing comedy. Need proof? Here’s the notes appended to the video, translated into interplanetary, extraordinary Anglish, baby:

Our business is to be men, our business work. We did not make a beautiful stay in fitting and waiting in lines. We do not stand at the stove with a spatula, we are not talking this jacket. We do not go to the shops for fun – we do not like to walk. We like to work. Work – this is our style. We’re doing big things big funds. No, we did not declare war on you, we just say enough. Enough to stop us be men! We have our own shopping. We do not buy and acquire. We are not looking, and choose. And we do not sell – because this man is priceless.

By the way; the discerning Borderline Boy reserves the chainsaw for the rutabagas. Cabbage only needs a machete.

(Thanks to Жерар at Американский дайджест for sending that one along)