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Category: skateboarding

Hey Beavis — I Hate YouTube Videos That Suck

Hey Beavis — I Hate YouTube Videos That Suck

(Warning: Some salty language, maybe. I couldn’t really tell.)

I don’t know how skateboards work, nor do I care to find out, but I know why the hipsters are getting their panties in a bundle. Even a casual observer can see that Wal-Mart skateboards suck your granny’s pond water through a gnarly straw. They’ve left the Earth’s orbit and voyaged into a brave new world of sucking that envelops the cosmos. They’re not very good. Then again, I wouldn’t expect them to be very good, so I don’t know what the problem is. What? You want the wheels to spin forwards and backward? What are you, some kind of rank amateur? That’s nothing that a little WD40 can’t fix, and I’m sure the boards would be less prone to breaking if you didn’t chuck them at the ground every few minutes. Again, I don’t have anything to compare it to. Maybe the boards aren’t supposed to break when smashed.

The fellows did a followup video some time later, which is equally as amusing and vaguely informative:
Who would have thought that a lone group of skateboarders would band together to cast off the shackles of unbeatable prices that hold the populous in a state of skateboard purgatory. Our evil, corporate, fat-cat overloads never saw it coming — or maybe they did and simply didn’t care.

How To Shatter Your Hip Like A Boss

How To Shatter Your Hip Like A Boss

The dude can take a hit, I’ll give him that much. I can’t quite tell if he’s talking like that because he’s being sarcastic, or his lungs have collapsed. There’s probably a cootie-ridden girl somewhere off screen he’s trying to impress, but he can’t fool me. That hurt. That hurt like watching your grandma try to use a computer.

He hit the ground hard enough to shatter the pelvis of any normal man. He’s a teenager, so he can get away with that sort of thing, but he shouldn’t push his luck. In another five years he might as well be a geriatric. If he pulls another move like that his spine will vacate his body and find a nice adoptive family who’ll treat it better. Until then he’ll make the best of his teenage tard-strength, by hurling himself off of things and looking sullen. God help us all if he forms a band and starts writing songs about his feelings.

Kids these days.

Bad Sneakers And A Slow Motion Camera, My Friend

Bad Sneakers And A Slow Motion Camera, My Friend

How to make a successful skateboarding video: a lesson by Charlie Maine.

First and foremost you will need to own something resembling a skateboard. It’s okay if it’s just a 2×8 with all the wheels missing, it’s the thought that counts. Next, you’ll need the proper skating attire. Go put on your favorite Slayer t-shirt, flannel top, tight pants, and bad sneakers to fit in with your friends. The spiky denim jacket of yesteryear has been almost completely phased out in favor of the cleaner, neater, almost hipster look. You can still keep all your Black Flag patches, but punk is dead, dude. There’s nothing you can do about it, stop living in the past, man.

Finally, buy a five-thousand dollar slow-motion video camera, and watch the views come pouring in. Enjoy a fruitful existence full of sweet grinds, awesome ollies, and whatever it is skateboarders do.

They Said It Couldn’t Be Done!

They Said It Couldn’t Be Done!

[Warning: There’s a pretty woman right at the end who bought her shirt at a Sherwin Williams store, and didn’t use two coats]

Well, they said it shouldn’t be done. Actually, it was more like they said there really was no point in doing it. Really, though, they said that they weren’t exactly sure what the hell you were trying to accomplish, so there was no conceivable way to judge whether or not it couldn’t be done, or whether you’d done it. There was a small conclave of observers that said that you evidently had already done whatever it was you were doing, so saying “they said it couldn’t be done” was superfluous at that point, but they wanted to say “they said it couldn’t be done” anyway, to indicate that you had, indeed done that thing you were not supposed to be able to do, if that was it, I think it was.

[Thanks to Charles Schneider for sending that one along]