I have a soft spot for skateboarders. Back in the day, I used to skateboard at the Boston Common. People would grumble a bit, but no one called the cops on me or anything. I never bumped into anyone, and I minded my own business. Every once in a while, someone would see me rollin’, but instead of hatin’, they’d ask me if they could give it a go. …
Dude, first of all, that’s a gnarly setup you’ve got there bro. Don’t let me harsh your sweet vibes because I’m picking up a lot of good vibes, man. But, dude, don’t you think there are, like, safer ways to deliver pizzas? Seriously, dude, let your freak flag fly and everything, but one rock could nerf your whole operation. And I mean, take it down, man; all the way down.
For a full 45 seconds, I thought this was the coolest thing I’d ever seen. I started visualizing a future where I’d speed around on my uni-board, completely carefree, and with a righteous hairdo. I’d ride it absolutely everywhere, regardless of whether it was convenient, or even safe, to do so. I know I wouldn’t be able to ride it on the highway or freeways, but I’d always keep it at my side. I’d buckle it into the passenger seat if I had to drive anywhere, so I could hop on my board as soon as I arrived. I immediately fell in love with that board and I didn’t think that anything could change my mind — until I saw that it cost $1,500.
After that I managed to get over it pretty quickly. It’s good, but it isn’t that good — I guess.
It’s okay, I don’t know what the title means either. I was trying to be like those hip skateboarder dudes, but it didn’t work. I think that’s how they talk, I’m not really sure. My friends are the only reference I have and they can barely speak English let alone skater-English. They typically communicate through grunts and gesticulations, so writing it down in a readable format is borderline impossible. Other than the occasional bruh, dude, and chah, not too many words are exchanged.
I just wanted to hang out with the cool kids. I used to be a cool kid, but it was way too much work, so I stopped. Going outside is a prerequisite of being cool nowadays, so I want nothing to do with it. I’d rather acquire coolness by proxy from the much cooler people I hang out with. They all flock to me because I’m so utterly uncool I’ve come full circle and I’m hip again.While we’re all hanging out I siphon off their cool, which elevates me to an untouchable realm of hip that defies description. I’m immediately transformed into their leader even though I’m socially incompetent on every level. I’m simply a vampire that steals everything that isn’t nailed down and regurgitates it in a slightly different form.
This is probably what it’s like to be a politician.