BSBFB

Bought myself a smart coffee machine the other day. It’s absolutely brilliant. Not only does it make coffee, but it also browses the intertunnels on a built-in touchscreen. That way, I could browse Facebook while I’m waiting for my cappuccino. I could, but I don’t, because Facebook sucks worse than decaf coffee. The touchscreen also has a calculator, weather forecast app, and a clock for every timezone in the world. My smart coffee machine also doubles as a speaker system and media center. It even has a sub-woofer for when you really wanna party. Finally, the coffee machine even has its own social network called “Espress-Go” for people with the same machine. Right now, the hottest trend on Espress-Go is the “Hot Coffee in 5 Seconds Challenge.” I mean this gadget has it all!

The coffee tastes horrible. Details, details.

My bathroom tap’s been doing the exact same thing for three years; the water comes out in a mystical helix. For the life of me, I could not figure out what was causing it, so I called a plumber to have a look. To this day, he still stands dazed at the bathroom sink watching the water come out of the tap, almost as if he’s hypnotized. I swear I’m gonna get a new plumber.

Frostbite is a small price to pay for mild Intertunnel fame. You can regrow skin, but you can’t regrow  YouTube views. Wearing gloves would ruin the whole chill introductory college course vibe. Being cool is easy when all you have to do is drip liquid nitrogen on your hands. It completely takes out the need for cool props like shutter shades or leather pants. Frosty.

Five million views is nothing to sniff at. I’ve seen people sacrifice body parts for less. If anything this guy got off easy. The next echelon of views can only be achieved if their video also had a baby falling down or someone getting hit in the jewels. The innertunnel runs off of the misfortune of others, and pictures of cats. The BSBFB runs on Ovaltine. In the long run I think we’re much better off.