Bought myself a smart coffee machine the other day. It’s absolutely brilliant. Not only does it make coffee, but it also browses the intertunnels on a built-in touchscreen. That way, I could browse Facebook while I’m waiting for my cappuccino. I could, but I don’t, because Facebook sucks worse than decaf coffee. The touchscreen also has a calculator, weather forecast app, and a clock for every timezone in the world. My smart coffee machine also doubles as a speaker system and media center. It even has a sub-woofer for when you really wanna party. Finally, the coffee machine even has its own social network called “Espress-Go” for people with the same machine. Right now, the hottest trend on Espress-Go is the “Hot Coffee in 5 Seconds Challenge.” I mean this gadget has it all!

The coffee tastes horrible. Details, details.