Well, try checking the gas. What’s that? There isn’t any gas? What the heck does it run on, coal? Maybe there’s something up with the spark plugs. I thought you were just going to clean the dining room, I didn’t know there’d be any rocket surgery involved. Please Grandpa, don’t hurt yourself — Mom says that if you break the vacuum again we’re going to put you in a home.
And not one of those good homes, either. One from 60 Minutes where they steal your drugs and give you tic tacs instead, and keep the bedpans in the refrigerator.
[Many thanks to the exquisite Charles Schneider for sending this our way]
Things don’t always go your way. You can’t have your cake, and eat it, too.You want this or that, but you realize that people in Hell would like a glass of icewater, and neither of you is likely to be accomodated. You pray for things to happen, and then shake your puny fist at the universe when you realize prayer isn’t a candy machine that requires nothing but the pull of a lever.
But you and I can rest easy today, my friends. We can be contented. For once in our lives, the surety of our wishes being granted is total. There is no way that we can be disappointed. Because there’s a one hundred and fifty percent chance that this moron is eventually going to kiss a bus.
As far as the soundtrack goes, it’s just gravy to know that all “rap artists” eventually die in a hail of gunfire, visited on them from one of their colleagues. Today, my friends, we’re double-dipping at the wellspring of schadenfreude. Enjoy.