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Calculus For The Rest Of Us

Calculus For The Rest Of Us

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This fellow is a true genius. Not one of those fake geniuseses. I mean, fake genii. No, that’s not it either. Fake smart guys.

Anyway, math has never been my strong suit. As a matter of fact, I only own one strong suit. It’s hanging in my closet, and it doesn’t fit anymore. I wore it, once, to a funeral seven years ago. Now it won’t button in front, and the sleeves and pant legs are too short.

At any rate, math of any kind is one of those things that other people say they have first-hand knowledge of, and I hear about, like UFO abductions or honest politicians. In my mind, math barely exists. Ask my credit card company. They love how bad I am at math.

So to sum up, I think calculus is a kind of math, but I’m not sure. It looks like like math with letters sprinkled in, which is even worse than math with just plain numbers in it. If you’re ever forced at gunpoint to do some calculus, I suggest using this guy’s method. Or trying to wrest the gun away. In no case try calculus unaided.

Pro Tip: Buy A Gun, Your Arms Won’t Be As Tired

Pro Tip: Buy A Gun, Your Arms Won’t Be As Tired

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While I definitely appreciate three-thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Apollo to Jack Churchill, I’m still hesitant to continue living in the past. Being an archer looks like too much work. I’m too lazy to shoot a regular gun; what makes anyone think that I’d want to use a bow and arrow? I’m so lazy I’d hire other people to go out and shoot for me, if I could. Unfortunately, I don’t have the money, and hiring mercenaries to go to the shooting range for you is a lot more expensive than you’d think. Of course, they go to the shooting range on their own time, but I pay them to chant my name while they do it. I can’t hear them, because I can’t be bothered to go to the range, but it’s nice to know that somewhere, someone is psychotically chanting your name. This is probably how Leonidas felt, without having to put up with the drafty wardrobe.

Regardless of my views on archery, I will admit that Lars Andersen is the best archer I have ever seen. Since the Intertunnel has a sick fetish for archer videos, I have seen a lot of archers in my day. I’m not the president of the archery fan club, but I’m at least on the board of directors. I go to all the meetings. Until that elfy-looking fellow from Lord of the Hunger Games steps up his game and starts shooting down military jets, I think Lars Andersen is definitely the best archer on the Intertunnel.

MY POTIONS ARE TOO STRONG FOR YOU

MY POTIONS ARE TOO STRONG FOR YOU

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Well, the script is a little repetitive, but it’s still better than the end of Game of Thrones, you have to admit.

Me, I get all of my strong potions from my dad’s desk. He tells me not to tell mom about it, because she made him throw away all of his strongest potions when they got hitched. She says that dad goes out on epic quests whenever he drinks strong potions, so he’s not allowed to partake anymore. She says he has a family to take care of now and needs to act responsibly. But he’s an adventurer at heart, so he keeps them around anyway. Every once and a while he lets me take a sip of his potions, and I get the urge to go out and battle my enemies. I also get a headache.

Of course, I’d need a fake ID if I ever wanted to buy my own strong potions. I’m only a level 18 knight, and I’m not allowed to buy potions until I’m level 21. And remember, kids: don’t potion and drive!

Open The Pixelated Doors, HAL

Open The Pixelated Doors, HAL

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I’m scared. If that computer can run seven copies of World of Warcraft: Warlords of Draenor, who knows what else it could be capable of. If they put in another terabyte of memory, it might become sentient. The last thing humanity needs right now is a sentient super-computer, loaded down with seven copies of World of Warcraft. That’s enough Warcraft to wipe out the Eastern Seaboard.

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