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All The Best Bands Are Affiliated With Satan — Or Karate

All The Best Bands Are Affiliated With Satan — Or Karate

There is nothing sexier than a confident man and his cinder blocks. A radical trend setter like this has to have at least a dozen groupies on hand at any given moment. This guy is welcome to join my Procol Harum tribute band as soon as he’s done being engulfed in admirers. Admirers of the female persuasion, no doubt. What a guy.

He doesn’t stop there either. His rippling biceps and luscious head of hair give him the air of a Greek god. He appears to have modeled himself after Apollo, the god of music, poetry, and Karate. Karate, of course, being one of his lesser known skills.

After all that he managed to leave us with a little kernel of knowledge to ponder upon. If you watch the video several times the message begins to form right before your eyes. A memo from a great man:

When in doubt, set it on fire. The first-degree burns make you look cool and sophisticated.

Crazed Viennese Brass Band Terrorizes Local Townspeople

Crazed Viennese Brass Band Terrorizes Local Townspeople

I did not watch my buddies die face down in the muck so that improper tuba usage could run rampant. Well, there isn’t a literal connection, Dude — But wielding such a devastating weapon of mass cacophony requires years of experience. It should only be attempted by professionals.

I wonder how they even managed to get their hands on a real, live tuba. This isn’t something you can pick up at your local music shop and test out on their firing range. The government runs a background check on everyone who orders a tuba and it can only be purchased with permission from the President himself. I’m almost impressed.

[Many thanks to the celebrated Charles Schneider for introducing us to the antics of Mnozil Brass]

Man, Zaphod Beeblebrox Really Let Himself Go

Man, Zaphod Beeblebrox Really Let Himself Go

In the books I don’t remember reading anything about him having mouths for nipples, or a singing belly button. I guess he had one too many Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters.

“[The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy] says that the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. It says that the effect of a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.”

I’ve got to hand it to him though, he can still pick up interstellar chicks like nobody’s business. There’s a man who knows where his towel is. I haven’t ventured much further than my mailbox in recent years, so I’m not sure what the modern space woman has to offer. I’m just glad to see someone has picked up where I left off.

[Infinite thanks to the wise and all-seeing Charles Schneider for sending this video along]

I For One Welcome Our New Tuba Overlords

I For One Welcome Our New Tuba Overlords

When I was a young man my father gave me some of the best advice I have ever been given.

“Son, if you learn to play the guitar and sing you will get girls. It’s as simple as that.”

Naturally, I ignored him as I had no interest in icky girls at the time; but I assume the same principle can be applied to most other instruments. It is absolutely logical that the glockenspiel or the wurlitzer is equally as attractive to those of the female persuasion as a guitar. From there a tuba is only a short leap away.

So our dear friend with the pillbox hat and the emphysemic cough is not just some weirdo. He is the best kind of weirdo. He is a visionary. A genius. This might be the most revolutionary move in the history of popular music. The tuba will soon take the place of the guitar in popular culture. Guitar Center will be forcibly renamed Tuba Center, and every band without a tuba player will be seen as deeply unfashionable. The world will see the first all tuba rock band premiering live on national television. It will be glorious, and I for one welcome our new tuba overlords.