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This Guy Is Nothing But Treble

This Guy Is Nothing But Treble

Who the heck brought Bartók back from the dead. Why couldn’t you bring back someone chill, like Debussy or Puccini? Enough of that Hungarian twaddle. If I wanted to have my head held underwater while being brutally bludgeoned, I’d go listen to some Dvorak; I don’t need it here.

I came here to party, and the party is a lie. There is no party here, only angry eastern Europeans and Russians. Now, I’m not disputing a Russian’s ability to party, I’m just saying that it’s not my sort of party. That’s a lot of party. Anyways, the Russian is not the issue here. The issue here, is that we have a surplus of atonal composers, and not nearly enough Ace Of Base. The world needs more Ace Of Base.

On The Whole, I’d Rather Be In Philadelphia

On The Whole, I’d Rather Be In Philadelphia

I’m sure that Cleveland is a nice city. Peel away the grime and there’s probably a nice coffee shop or something. Even Detroit would make for a pretty nice flaming hole in the ground if you peel away all the Detroit parts. Los Angeles would make a wonderful desert, and Boston would be a great swamp. You just have to dig deep enough to find the bits that you like.

It’s like when you pick up a drifter. At first it’s hard to get past his open sores, oozing scabs, and obvious lack of oral hygiene, but what really matters is deep down. You’re only picking him up to harvest his organs, so what does the exterior matter anyways.

What we have to do is find the organs of the city, and get to harvesting them. Take all the cool shops, businesses, and houses, and leave all the methadone clinics, 7-Elevens, and public restrooms. Dismember the useless bits and sweep them off to where no one will find them — just like the drifter.

They Came From David Bowie’s Planet

They Came From David Bowie’s Planet

I’m really not sure what I’m looking at. I don’t know whether to laugh, or quake in fear. Do they come in peace? Should I take them to my leader? Beats me. All I know is that they fixed a Zeppelin tune, so they can’t be that bad. Their flame-headed hovering is quite charming, so as long as they don’t try anything involving probes we should be fine.

Very similar to probing is the dulcimer. Both are equally unpleasant, but at least you can play Zeppelin on one of them. Now that I think of it that’s not really a plus either.

[A big thank you to borderline sociopath Charles Schneider for submitting the second video]

The Best Worst Music Video Ever

The Best Worst Music Video Ever

I think it’s the one armed fellow playing the pan flute that really does it for me. Or maybe it’s their ludicrous outfits. I don’t even know anymore. Every moment of this video is a barrage to the senses. I feel like my head is being held underwater while I’m being brutally beaten, so take that as a glowing recommendation.

I guess when it comes right down to it this video isn’t exactly bad. It’s not exactly good, but it would be much less interesting if it was good. It has some good production value for being from Moldova; not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’m sure Moldova is an absolutely lovely place. It just seems like an unusual location for the world’s next pop sensation to emerge from. The one armed flautists on the other hand will shoot to the top of the charts faster than you can say self-immolation.