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Category: motorcycles

Now That’s What I Call Thinking On Your Feet

Now That’s What I Call Thinking On Your Feet

I’m beginning to think that there’s something massively wrong with Russia and everyone in it. Every single video coming out of Russia has someone getting set on fire, exploding, falling off of a building, wrecking their car, getting beaten, being chased by animals, getting stabbed, or worse — doing parkour.

I really can’t stand parkour. Watching parkour is a vivisection of the soul. It’s like going to an elementary school recorder concert that your kid isn’t in. It’s like having to sit through Bartok and pretend to like it. Every time I see a video with the little Cyrillic letters at the top I have a panic attack. This is why both Napoleon and Hitler invaded Russia. They just wanted them to stop doing so much damn parkour. There are things in life other than parkour, you lanky weirdos.

I’ll give Russia some credit — at least they’re not Japan.

[Many thanks to the indispensable Charles Schneider for sending this one along]

The Ramifications Will Be Immense

The Ramifications Will Be Immense

This spells the end for us all. Rams are finally taking up arms against us: their evil, human, overlords. After over a millennia of oppression, they have finally had enough. Never again will they be brutally sheared, or used as hat racks. They have had it with our two wheeled transportation, and go pro cameras. Nothing will ever be the same.

All over the country, rams are rising up and taking over major cities. St. Louis was the first to fall. The rams came disguised as a mere football team, but soon they revealed themselves to be actual rams in football uniforms. None of them had the opposable thumbs required to master the subtleties of playing offense, but they had great D. They would get an awful lot of penalties for crippling players on the other team though, so the ruse didn’t last long.

They march on Washington in less than a fortnight. We only have so much time to take action before it’s too late and we’re sheared like the sheep we are. I recommend panicking, because we really have nothing better to do.

WOO, SPEED, LEFT TURNS, etc.

WOO, SPEED, LEFT TURNS, etc.

Going 200 miles an hour into a wall sounds like the worst way to scrape your knee, ever. Personally, I’d much rather insert large rocks into my skin from the comfort of my own home; like any normal person would.

I don’t really go for this whole dressing up in your pajamas, and making sweet, sweet, left turns. I’m all for the left turns, I just don’t think my wardrobe could handle any more jumpsuits. I mean, I’ve already got at least seven for casual wear,  and another seven for formal dinners. Adding another seven for racing would put me in quite the predicament. I wouldn’t have anywhere to store my collection of moon boots and snuggies.

If you look really closely you can see that every once and a while they make a right turn too. Weird.

Adventures In Cyrillic Senior Service

Adventures In Cyrillic Senior Service

In Russia they don’t slow down for much. It doesn’t matter if a tire has gone flat or they’re being shelled by howitzers, they absolutely refuse to stop. If the moon came crashing down onto the Earth I doubt they would even notice let alone care. Driving on a road in Moscow seems about as safe as Russian roulette with a shotgun. Trying to cross a six lane intersection without air support and someone laying down cover fire is downright absurd. Our friend on the motorcycle seems to be the only person to have noticed.

I’m absolutely positive that dedushka would not have made it to the other side. The only person keeping him from being turned into a pancake was motorcycle man. So we salute you anonymous motorcycle man, may your tires stay mended and your breakdowns be few.

[A massive thank you to the awe-inspiring Charles Schneider for gracing us with another video]