The ancient scrolls tell of a Chosen One. Only he can vanquish evil and restore balance to the universe. His power is infinite, and understood, but not explicit. The mob, the great oceans of men, don’t know his name, though it is written in the runes for all to see. But they sense the force in him, the life force, that binds all and everything into one unit for good.
If hockey was like this I think I’d watch more hockey — or any hockey at all, for that matter. I’m on a strict anti-sports diet at the moment. Whenever someone tries talks about sports or mentions a sport of any kind, I go into the bathroom and purge. I lost 15 pounds in a week, and I only had to go to the hospital twice!
I’m not too fond of my diet, so I tend to avoid people who talk about sports or participate in sports. Very often, if I see someone walking down the side of the road and they’re wearing a jersey of any kind I swerve to hit them. I don’t actually hit them; I much prefer giving them a little scare. At the last minute I’ll pull away, so the only thing that gets damaged is their pants from projectile crapping themselves.
Hockey is just an excuse to have a boxing match on ice. The only difference is they give you weapons if you play hockey. Ali versus Foreman would have been much more interesting if they had knives strapped to their feet. They’d look mighty funny cruising around an ice rink in their fancy underpants while Baby Elephant Walk blares over the PA.
Unfortunately, my plan for the ultimate boxing/hockey hybrid will never come to fruition. Starting a national sport is a lot harder than one would first expect, and I simply don’t have the funds. A man can dream though. Someday my genius will be recognized, and we’ll finally have a sport worth watching. Until then, I guess we just have to watch hockey and hope for the best.
Ah, Pee Wee hockey.
You know, if you always wanted an ant farm, but your mother wouldn’t let you have one because of that unfortunate series of incidents you had with the pet turtles, you can get your ant farm fix by going to a pee wee hockey game and sitting as far up in the bleachers as you can get.