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Category: fire

I’ll Have Two Firefighters Over Easy

I’ll Have Two Firefighters Over Easy

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LyJa94Io44

Its really rough being a fireman when you take the name literally. You’re not supposed to set yourself on fire, man.

This reminds me of a job I had for about five minutes before I was let go for breeding pigeons on the roof, and letting them use the bathroom for their poo parties. The poo parties weren’t my idea; I simply noticed that the pigeons pooped a lot, and liked frightening the incontinent. The bathroom was an ideal spot to keep them when they weren’t soaring above the Denny’s parking, defecating on everything that dared stray within a one-mile radius of their poo headquarters.

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I Don’t Know What To Say Anymore

I Don’t Know What To Say Anymore


The commies have officially broken me. I don’t know how I’m going to live with myself after this. There’s too much going on for me to even describe how I feel. It’s like the Hindenburg all over again. Oh, the humanity! Saying this is the worst thing I’ve ever witnessed is an understatement. I’d avert my eyes, but the images have been burned into my retinas. I don’t know what’s happening, I don’t want to know, and I hope no one will ever tell me.

If the video wasn’t recorded using a potato running at one frame per hour, then I might have had a shot at actually figuring out what’s going on. Even then I don’t think I’d have any real chance. Too much has gone wrong in the world. We’ve gone past the point of no return. It’s only downhill from here. My confusion is palpable. Why is that man being run over by a half track? Why does he have a torch? Why did he set that half track on fire? Why did that flaming man decide to take a nap? Please send help, I need an adult.

The Melonbomber Saga

The Melonbomber Saga

(Warning: some salty language)

I’m glad that they took the time to prepare themselves for working with flammable materials by donning the finest gym shorts and sandals, the most inflammable of all clothing. Err — I mean nonflammable. Well, I don’t think they know the difference either; that’s why they’re wearing them.

I’m not sure what they were expecting. A hollowed out melon has the tensile strength of — well, a melon. If you can rip it apart with your hands, how well do you think it’ll fare when it’s on fire and being struck with a baseball bat. If they were using a catapult to launch the melon, I think the whole exploding-fruit concept would have worked swimmingly, but their delivery system is decidedly flawed.

After a little bit of research I discovered that this video predates YouTube, so everyone in this video is pushing thirty at this point. And those who aren’t pushing 30 have probably died in melon-related accidents.

Burn, Baby, Burn. Bristol Inferno.

Burn, Baby, Burn. Bristol Inferno.

He’s made that flamethrower for all the wrong reasons. You don’t make a machine like that because you’re trying to emulate a comic book character. You make it because you can — and because flamethrowers are awesome. If my weekend project was to build a flamethrower I’d be pretty satisfied with myself. Just imagine all the cool things you can do when you finish building it. Instead of letting your wife burn your toast, burn it yourself with your brand new flamethrower. You don’t need to have any rhyme or reason to singe your eyebrows off.  It’s just a thoroughly enjoyable experience.

We all need to come up with more activities that could definitely use a flamethrower. I could see it being used for gardening. You’ve got to get those pesky weeds out somehow. Hunting would be perfect because all the meat would come precooked.