I like hanging from the ceiling as much as the next guy, but he really needs a better system.
Suction cups were all the rage for quite a while, but like everything else I adore, they seem to have gone out of style. I assume the sickening fart and pop every time you moved a limb was just too much for people, but I didn’t mind at all. Suction cups were effective, darn it. Just because you turn into a giant, annoying, raspberry machine doesn’t mean the cups weren’t working. On the contrary, the juicier the sound the suction cups made, the more securely you were fastened to the wall.
The real question is: how am I supposed to fly to Las Vegas, scale the side of the Fontainebleau building, break in through a side window using only a piece of string and a slice of lemon, evade security using only my wits, deactivate several silent alarms, hack into the mainframe for poops and giggles and plant a virus in their computer system, abseil into the main gallery to avoid a thin layer of laser traps across the floor, steal the world’s third largest crystal geode, escape, and romance several down-and-out super models using magnets? I’d be shot on sight trying to get through airport security wearing those silly magnet shoes. At least with suction cups you can lie and say there’s something wrong with you, and you need to apply suction to various parts of you body or you’ll die. Try doing that with magnets, smart guy.
Are you havin a giggle, mate? I swear, you are one cheeky berk, mate. One more word outta you and I’ll hook you right in the gabber. I swear on me mum I’ll turn you into toast, mate. Now shut your mouth or I’m callin in me boys and you’ll be in for a proper rumble. I’ll shank your nan outside Tescos, I will. You’ll be a right mess, ya muppet.
Oi, Oi! You better watch it, mate, or I’ll do your windys in. Be careful or I’ll have ya, ya right bastid. I’ll nick your trackies faster than your nancy face can fart. You’re a load of naff, mate, and you better watch it from now on. If I catch you gawpin again I’ll give you a right pummel. Now bugger off before I lose me temper — mate.
Drunken Throng Rampages Through City, Repairs Bike Rack, Remodels Kitchen
Pfft — kids these days; going out and fixing things instead of staying home and drinking alone while basking in the warm glow of the television.
What a bunch of amateurs. These are the kind of people who go out for a night of hard drinking, and wake up the next day in a newly constructed breakfast nook that somehow appeared in their kitchen where a wall used to be. Absolutely shameful. I bet they didn’t even get a permit to fix that bike rack; the city council will be furious.
What’s next next for these hoodlums? Are they going to go around fixing leaky faucets? Are they going to bake a nice loaf of bread, and have it ready for the next morning? Are they going to walk their girlfriends home, and then go back to their apartment to get a good night’s rest? They’re so vicious and unpredictable I can scarcely imagine what they could be planning. God help us all if they get their hands on power tools — they might start building things they’ll regret the next morning .
Is this why the Intunnel was made? So we could watch videos of someone named Sir Laurence Luckinbill Esq. run to catch a subway train he was already on instead of riding to the next stop like a normal person. Just kidding, normal people don’t ride on the subway, but my point still stands.
The Intertunnel is supposed to be filled with cats and pornography. I can’t describe how disappointed I am when anything I look at isn’t one of those two things.