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I Think He Needs More Drums

I Think He Needs More Drums

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If he just gets one more tom tom he could totally do YYZ — not that anyone would want him to. Besides, he would most likely spontaneously combust from the sheer awesomeness of it, or perish in a bizarre gardening accident.

I can’t feel sorry for him though. He knew the risks going in. Rock and roll is a mercurial multi-headed fire-breathing mistress in a tube top. He should play it smart. He needs to ditch the drums in favor of a nice bassoon. You never hear about bassoon players getting into any trouble or bursting into flames onstage. They never get untoward publicity from trashing a hotel room, because hotel rooms are expensive. Bassoon players stay at the Motel 6, and everything is bolted to the floor, and the walls are made from concrete blocks.

Needs More Cowbell

Needs More Cowbell

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The internet is a cruel mistress. They say a mistress is like a sailboat. The rigging always costs more than the hull. That’s why mistresses try to keep your attention on the rigging at all times. It’s good advice for how you behave on the internet, too. Keep an eye on your image, people.

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There Are Lots of Videos on YouTube of Little Kids Drumming

There Are Lots of Videos on YouTube of Little Kids Drumming

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This one has something almost all the other examples lack. The kid is smiling.

He’s having fun. It’s kinda depressing looking at the other kids on YouTube, resolutely trying to play some awful metal dirge their father played in a garage band back in the day. They all appear to be getting the Joe Jackson treatment, good and hard, when the camera is off. There’s something about this little fellow that hints that dad doesn’t make him do it. He simply couldn’t keep him out of the practice room, no matter how hard he tried. I could picture him sitting in dad’s lap for a minute and a half, and then grabbing a stick out of his hands. I help. So, good on you, little feller, and good on your dad for letting you, not making you.

I’ll see you and raise you, dad. If he ain’t pulling in folding money by the time he’s ten, he’ll have to settle for a silver.

There Was An Attempt

There Was An Attempt

I would like to point out that he did indeed try his best, he gave 110 percent, and he left it all out there for everyone to see — but we live in the real world where leaving it all out there for everyone to see just gets you put on a list that says you can’t go within 100 yards of a school or Chuck E. Cheese’s.

Having to go door to door telling everyone you’re a pederast doesn’t sound very appealing to me, which is why I never put any effort into anything. It’s the only way to get anywhere in life. Let everyone else get branded as a todger-toucher while you sit back, relax, and reap the rewards of your unwillingness to do anything worthwhile — It’s a lot like being a politician.