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Category: cyrillically challenged

Look Matushka, No Hands

Look Matushka, No Hands

[Warning: Some salty language in the soundtrack]

I guess this is what happens when playing in traffic gets dull, or you get old enough to shave. You find yourself dangling off a rusted tower somewhere outside Chechnya hoping a parachute won’t be needed. Not that you have a parachute in the first place. Even if you’re in the military, when you open up your pack there’s only a coupon for a parachute. You make do over there. As long as you don’t let go there really shouldn’t be a problem. And even big problems in Russia don’t last for very long. They’re generally over at terminal velocity.

I’ve come to accept that no matter what any video on YouTube is about, the music will be god-awful. It’s like zoning laws for the Intertunnel. The music’s terrible, it’s true, but it serves the important purpose of drowning out the sound of their brass testicles clinking together, and the clatter of their tiny little brains rolling around in their heads like a pinballs.

[Many many thanks to our pal Jonathan Frost-Johnson and the esteemed Gerard at American Digest for dropping this video on us]

Have You Tried Turning It Off And On Again?

Have You Tried Turning It Off And On Again?

Well, try checking the gas. What’s that? There isn’t any gas? What the heck does it run on, coal? Maybe there’s something up with the spark plugs. I thought you were just going to clean the dining room, I didn’t know there’d be any rocket surgery involved. Please Grandpa, don’t hurt yourself — Mom says that if you break the vacuum again we’re going to put you in a home.

And not one of those good homes, either. One from 60 Minutes where they steal your drugs and give you tic tacs instead, and keep the bedpans in the refrigerator.

[Many thanks to the exquisite Charles Schneider for sending this our way]

Adventures In Cyrillic Senior Service

Adventures In Cyrillic Senior Service

In Russia they don’t slow down for much. It doesn’t matter if a tire has gone flat or they’re being shelled by howitzers, they absolutely refuse to stop. If the moon came crashing down onto the Earth I doubt they would even notice let alone care. Driving on a road in Moscow seems about as safe as Russian roulette with a shotgun. Trying to cross a six lane intersection without air support and someone laying down cover fire is downright absurd. Our friend on the motorcycle seems to be the only person to have noticed.

I’m absolutely positive that dedushka would not have made it to the other side. The only person keeping him from being turned into a pancake was motorcycle man. So we salute you anonymous motorcycle man, may your tires stay mended and your breakdowns be few.

[A massive thank you to the awe-inspiring Charles Schneider for gracing us with another video]

Hey, Fellas — Hold My Saké And Watch This

Hey, Fellas — Hold My Saké And Watch This

Oh boy, more adventures on the Cyrillic side of Youtube. Any video title starting with a backwards R immediately garners my fullest attention, but I smell a rat. The fellow in the video is speaking Japanese and the video is obviously not taken from the dashcam of a minivan plowing through Saint Petersburg. So what gives? The distinct lack of vehicular manslaughter proves my point even further. Something is rotten in Denmark — err, I mean Vladivostok.

On closer inspection I have concluded that the video is a perfect hybrid of Japanese weirdness and Cyrillic nonsense. You have the Japanese fellow attempting to brush his teeth with an air pistol, and the Cyrillic gibberish to show that he means business. He does a pretty thorough job too, in between screams.

You’ll notice that he’s just as surprised as anyone else that it works.

[Many thanks to the illustrious Jonathan Frost-Johnson for sending us this video]