Browsed by
Category: Canada

I Bet You Write Taylor Swift Lyrics In Birthday Cards

I Bet You Write Taylor Swift Lyrics In Birthday Cards

Comments 1 comment

(Warning: extra salty language with a side of flapjacks and maple syrup)

I really feel for the fellows in the video. I don’t have any sisters, but if I did, I think I’d be even more protective than they were. While I’m sure that my father would have a thing or two to say about his daughters going out with hockey players, I don’t know if he could speak with the same sort of candor as I would.

While calling someone a cotton-headed ninnymuggins should be more than enough to discourage them from getting fresh with your kin, sometimes you have to break out the big guns. This video is an excellent example of breaking out the big guns. Conversational big guns can stop a would-be scumbag dead in his tracks. Breaking out the big guns is what stopped the cold war. Regan called up Gorbachev and told him to cut the crap or he’d have to come over there and cut it himself. I haven’t read many history books, but I’m at least relatively sure that’s what happened. Either way, I’ll chalk it up as a victory for the Western world. Regan probably called him Spotty a few times, just for good measure.

If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em; If You Can’t Join ‘Em, Be A Nuisance Until You’re Escorted Out Of The Building

If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em; If You Can’t Join ‘Em, Be A Nuisance Until You’re Escorted Out Of The Building

I’ve always had a certain fondness for Canada and its inhabitants. They’re a friendly bunch and I can appreciate that. If you’re always friendly and happy, people will start to think there’s something wrong with you and avoid you at parties, which is preferred over actually talking to anyone at said party.

The friendliness also lends an air of mystery, because you never know what lurks behind that smile. Maybe they don’t actually like hockey that much, and it’s all a ruse. What if we’re being taken on a ruse cruise by the entire country of Canada? I’m not sure what they’d actually accomplish by projecting a positive demeanor, but stranger things have happened. Maybe they’re trying to hide all the death camps in Manitoba where they send people without health insurance to work in the maple syrup mines.

Whatever you do, don’t refer to Canada as America’s hat — they get all pissy about that. Always refer to America as Canada’s shirt, and Mexico as Canada’s pants.

Failure To Launch

Failure To Launch


O, Canada, dum dum dum do do doo … Damn, I can’t remember the words to that dratted song. They played it at all the hockey games, but I always showed up loaded and generally wasn’t paying much attention.

Eh, Canada, we really like your bacon
And those Red Green shows you’re makin’

Drat, that can’t be it, either. I think there’s something about poutine and Tim bits for Thanksgiving dinner on the wrong day, but I can’t remember.

But it’s a country full of Borderline Sociopathic Boys, and the girls who love them. Polite Borderline Sociopathic Boys at that. Rock on, dudes. You got, like, three feet of air that time.

Well, At Least She Didn’t Say, “Recalculating,” In That Disgusted Voice The Nuvi Uses

Well, At Least She Didn’t Say, “Recalculating,” In That Disgusted Voice The Nuvi Uses


Racing in Newfoundland. Well, through Newfoundland.

I’m trying to picture this rally setup of driver/navigator transferred to a NASCAR race.

Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Is that a gas station? Pull over, I’ve got to tinkle. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left. Take a left…