How many of you men out there drink beer? Alright, alright, calm yourselves, that was a rhetorical question. Of course you all drink beer, does the Pope poop in his funny hat? Wait, that’s not quite right. Does a bear poop in the pope’s funny hat? Naturally he does, and naturally you all drink beer. How many of you men have had to go through the trouble of getting up off your couch to go get a beer, leaving your perfect butt imprint that took you hours to make. There has to be a better way to acquire beverages.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “But Charlie, I have a wife and a mini-fridge, and I’m pretty sure polygamy is illegal.” You bring up some valid points reader, but some of us have no wife and no mini-fridge. Polygamy doesn’t even enter into it in a position like mine, because I still need that first wife.
What I need, is a good old fashioned robot to do my bidding. They’re cool, clean, efficient, and oh so hip to the now, if you catch my drift. Order yours now, for only 10,000 tiny payments of $2.99.
Chugging 6 Beers in 40 Seconds Using a Leaf Blower. Shirley You Can’t Be Serious
(Fair warning: There are a few (bleeped) cuss words)
Well, apparently the L.A. Beast was serious. And stop calling him Shirley. He’s doing the Lord’s work here. He’s chugging 6 beers using a leaf blower, because reasons. I love, love, love the inexpertly added overdubs you hear along the way, as he changes the number of seconds he requires to get himself outside a six pack.
First we invented the wheel. Then a bunch of stuff happened and we decided to drop everything and go to the Moon. Naturally, there were some important bits in-between the wheel and the Moon landing, but it’s all inconsequential. Two major events with a bunch of stuff in-between is how humans function. We like to look at the big picture instead of mucking about with all the details.
Here’s another example: first we discovered that beating your neighbors to death with a rock is much more efficient that using your bare hands, and then we invented ballistic missiles. Again, there was some folderol in-between, but who’s interested in that stuff? What are you some kind of nerd? Beer and missiles are the only human inventions that matter. If it doesn’t have something to do with missiles or beer-pouring robots, I don’t want to hear about it.
“But, Charlie…” you might say,
“What about penicillin, the compass, irrigation — Zima? Aren’t those major achievements as well?”
First of all, I don’t know where you’re getting these ludicrous ideas, but it’s got to stop. None of those things involve missiles in any way, shape, or form, so I’d prefer it if you never mention them in my company again. Implying that penicillin is on the same level as Zima is absolutely shameful.