You know, back before Boris Yeltsin showed up and started Russia on a multi-decade freedom bender, those soviets were always up to no good. Recently declassified soviet documents show just how far they were willing to go to realize their dream of world domination and vodka benders by 3:00 PM. Their navy seal program beat anything the United States and NATO could come up with. Look at these soviet navy seals. They’re killing machines, at least if you’re a herring. They’ve been drilled and drilled until they’re nothing but remorseless war machines. Well, they like to swim in circles and say, “ork, ork,” which is kinda silly, but other than that, they’re remorseless.
They swim better than our navy seals. They can hold their breath longer than our navy seals. And unlike our navy seals, they don’t have to ask for permission to nuke people. It’s just a big red button they can push when they’re tired of operating squirtguns to get a treat.
Ultimately, though, they lost the Cold War, even with navy seals like this at their disposal. Piss poor planning prevents proper performance, as they say in the military. Nuclear weapons are expensive, and they planned on wasting them on places like Trenton and Detroit. No sense making the rubble bounce, tovarish. Next time you’re intent on world domination, bomb places that don’t have plywood drapes in the windows already.
(Thanks to reader and commenter and friend Casey Klahn for sending that one along)