That’s President Gurbanguly Mälikgulyýewiç Berdimuhamedow to you, pal. Old Deerslayer Eyechart here is the President of Turkmenistan. He’s a badass. If you don’t believe he’s a badass, just ask him, and he’ll tell you. Clap, clap, clap.

The proof is right there in front of your eyes. There’s a row of parafantryairbomortarfodder dudes standing in a line and clapping for the guy. It’s obvious from their camouflaged garanimal outfits that they’re some heavy dudes. None can approach the monobrow awesomeness of Old Deerslayer Eyechart, but they must be pretty serious, too. Clap, clap, clap.

You’d be impressed, too, if you saw your Lord High Muckymuck shooting things at 20-foot range with the kind of ammo Americans give to children. With a scope, no less. Clap, clap, clap. Then he throws knives at the target! He throws them instead of leaning over another eighteen inches and sticking them in, but, hey, clap, clap, clap.

Old Deerslayer Eyechart was re-elected this past February, but he only got 98 percent of the vote, so he’s still got some work to do on his popularity. Those last 2 percent aren’t going to disappear themselves, Gurbanguly. Get busy. Clap, clap, clap.