You know, I wanna shoot everything in slow motion. I’ve seen movies. When a bad guy starts spraying and praying, you see those rounds coming downrange and just bend over backwards and they fly right past your face. Easy peasy. Then you totally kick  his ass. Totally. In slow motion, of course. Slow motion seems to make everything possible.

In slow motion, I’d make Formula 1 drivers look like a retired guy driving a Crown Vic in the left lane with the blinker on. When I’m drifting around those corners in slo-mo, little showers of road rubble will come flying up and gently tap on the lens to announce the ever-so inside line I’ve just taken through the chicane. Of course at full speed, I back into the garage door because I forgot to put it in Drive. Whoopsie.

Put two in the chamber. Bring in the chamber orchestra. Slow it down. I’ll hit every one of those clay ducks. Why, they’re barely moving. How can I miss?