I thought living in a cave was supposed to be a lot cheaper — and dirtier. I’m kind of disappointed. I was looking forward to moving into a cave someday, when all my children disown me, and my wife politely asks me to leave the house or she’ll call the cops. Living in a puddle of my own filth overlooking a scenic ravine seemed like a great way to spend my final days, but it turns out I can’t even afford that.

His cave isn’t even that rustic. It seems to have heat, and electricity, and running water, and everything. What’s the point of living in a cave if you aren’t even going to sleep on jagged rocks and bathe in a stream?