That Gatorade looked a bit flat. I think we need to form a committee to investigate this disturbing turn of events. I’m also relatively sure that the two buckets are not married, and their their hideous spawn is not as legitimate as we’re being led to believe. The truth is out there, people, you just need to make stuff up to find it.

Some of you out there might say that I obviously don’t know anything about football. I’d agree with you, but I don’t want to soil my bad-boy, know-it-all image. I know tons about football. I know that people play it. I know it’s probably a sport. I know that there’s a band called American Football that has very little to do with actual football, so Googling American Football won’t yield very much information about actual football, it will just give you some pictures of mopey 90s teenagers who named their band after a national pastime. However, I know more than enough about football to be considered an expert.

There is one aspect that I don’t quite understand yet. When you’re on defense, all the players seem to be obsessed with getting 25 cents. Whenever I watch football, people keep screaming “Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!”

It’s just a quarter; there’s no reason to get so torn up about it.