[Warning: Vaguely salty language.]

Some say it’s not the fall that kills you, it’s your mom finding out that you ruined your brand new pair of sneakers. It sort of ties in with the whole “are you wearing clean underwear?” routine. If anything ever happened to me and I wasn’t wearing clean underwear, I was in for a beating. I could by lying half lifeless in the gutter and my mother would probably yell at me about my dirty undies.

When they finally find me all mangled on the side of the road, everyone should be glad that I’m wearing anything other than my dirty undies.