In A World Of Metrosexuals, The Man Who Knows How The Refrigerator Works Is A God

In A World Of Metrosexuals, The Man Who Knows How The Refrigerator Works Is A God


This dude needs a name. The “Half-A-Handy” video channel is mute on the topic. Biff Mansteak? Gronk Manstache? Denton Fender? Aubuchon Connery? His name is shrouded in the mists of antiquity, along with a summons for discharging a firearm within city limits, no doubt. Let’s call him something: John Craft!

We live in a world where women call men to kill a spider, but the men would rather pretend to be a defense attorney for arachnids than enter a room with a spider in it. “Eek!, a mouse,” is uttered by both sexes simultaneously. Men used to kill their food before they dragged it home, charred it a bit to keep it from twitching overmuch, and ate it right off the bone. Now they shave their chest hair before going out to eat at a vegetarian restaurant, and make their dates go halfsies. The male of the species is slip-sliding away.

We’ve strayed too far from our roots. Look at John Craft. He’s a god. Not The God; but A god, surely. We stopped parting our hair like a missing, fourth Stooge. Jeans didn’t used to come with dirt on them already, you know. The John Crafts of the world put it on there by crawling around under their cars in their driveways. There was nothing wrong with the car, mind you; they just liked it under there. All our shirts looked like they only needed an embroidered name tag to start working at a muffler shop, just like our hero. We had magnificent tool boxes, filled with nothing but hammers and screwdrivers and gumption, and animated by the knowledge that anything we couldn’t fix we could fix so no one else could, either. We were legend. We were gods. We were John Craft.

Craft!
Who’s the white handy hick
That’s a sex machine to all the chicks?
(Craft!) You’re damn right
Who is the man
That defrosts the fridge for his brother man?
(Craft!) Can ya dig it?
Who’s the cat that won’t cop out
When there’s freon all about?
(Craft!) Right on
You see this cat Craft is a handy mother… (Shut your mouth)
But I’m talkin’ about Craft (Then we can dig it)
He’s a complicated man And no one understands him but his glue gun
(John Craft)

One thought on “In A World Of Metrosexuals, The Man Who Knows How The Refrigerator Works Is A God”

  1. whoa der perfessor. had ta watch twicet to learn that it twerent “erotic butter beaters” but “ironic butter heaters” Hah! like a iron!

    Now this fella is a master at his craft of defrostin an whatnot.

    Psst, bud – fer the real inside icecream scoop – you gotta see http://www.secretlifeofmachines.com/

    tim n rex will set ya up. wit no shaftin

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