I’m a three-toed sloth, and I’ve fallen out of my tree into a speedboat.

Good god, I’m Neil Armstrong and Conan the Barbarian rolled into one. I’m Pizarro and Magellan and that Cabot fellow that couldn’t figure out how to spell his name. I’m the love child of Perseus and Usain Bolt. I am master of all I survey. I go where I please, and strike where I please, like the most ferocious Bedouin warrior. I am the king of my kind. An emperor! A god!

I don’t know where I am. I don’t know how this machine works. I don’t know what these strange, hairless creatures are, or what they want with me. But I do know one thing for certain: It will take a very long, long time to walk home.