Anyone Can Lay Waste to the Countryside in Wartime

Anyone Can Lay Waste to the Countryside in Wartime

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When there’s a hot war on, your typical borderline boy can wreak a lot of havoc. That’s what we’re built for, in evolutionary terms. Fighting and making more little borderline boys: It’s what we do. It’s understood.

But let’s take a moment to recognize true greatness when we see it. Not many of us can cause damage like this in peacetime. Flattening houses is generally frowned upon in peacetime, even if you do have the keys to the tank. Your friends riding up top in the turret probably weren’t up driving a tank through a house for no reason, but you? You’re on a mission. Your not gonna let a little thing like an armistice or treaty or just plain good manners spoil your fun. We salute you, Suriname Steve! It’s hard to know what you were trying to accomplish, but that just makes the accomplishment so much more notable.

(Thanks to old friend Charles Schneider for sending that one along)

Sarah Connor Sleeps Serenely. Santa Claus, However…

Sarah Connor Sleeps Serenely. Santa Claus, However…

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Let’s not make trite comments about Terminators. Let’s avoid using the term “self aware.” For once, let’s stop worrying about imaginary problems, and start focusing on real-world woes. We’re just a few precious years, perhaps months, from being required to buy a little, annoying robot for our kids for Christmas. Look at these little fellers. They’re adorable, and they’re small enough to drink out of the little well of water under the Christmas tree, if they were thirsty, which they’re not, thank heavens. Every child in the world is going to want one of these. And by “child,” of course I’m referring to middle-aged men. Same thing.

Now, you might be thinking, hey, I should invest in a little robot dog company. No. That’s not the smart bet. Invest in companies that make AA batteries, because that’s where the money will go. They’re going to make more money than printer ink robber barons, I tell ya.

Back In the Day: Drag Racing With Bill “Grumpy” Jenkins

Back In the Day: Drag Racing With Bill “Grumpy” Jenkins

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Ah, 1968. Back then, people called you grumpy if you were simply polite and quiet. Nowadays, everyone’s carrying coffee cups at work that have slogans emblazoned on them threatening to assault you if interrupt them before the coffee’s gone. And no one is called grumpy. The BSBFB hereby calls for a new era of good manners and quiet, polite discourse everywhere in public life. That way, we can stand out from the crowd when we act grumpy. It’s no fun when everyone’s doing it.