Béla Bartók Ain’t Got Nuthin On This

Béla Bartók Ain’t Got Nuthin On This

One hears such sounds, and what can one say but — Black MIDI.

In the name of everything that’s good and holy what in the world is Black MIDI? To be honest, I didn’t know what it was, so I looked it up so you don’t have to. Usually I’m very well versed in underground music scenes and genres and such, but this is the first one I’ve encountered that’s underground for a very obvious reason. Black MIDI is a genre of music where the composer layers MIDI tracks to make an unplayable piece of music with as many notes as possible in the hope that it will break whatever computer tries to play it.

If that’s not hardcore, I don’t know what is.

(Many thanks to official borderline sociopath, Charles Schneider for sending this one our way)

I Must Go, My Planet Needs Me

I Must Go, My Planet Needs Me

He got like, three feet of air that time — and then exploded. Now that’s how you finish a race. Actually crossing the finish line is so dull and predictable. Everyone crosses the finish line at one point or another. Even if you lose you get to cross the finish line and that’s bogus. Every car that doesn’t come in first, second, or third should have to do some kind of spectacular stunt if they ever want to race again. Crashing and burning counts as a stunt, so that’s always an option.

I’m not that surprised he crashed, just look at what one lap in an F1 car looks like. I can barely keep my car on the road going 45, let alone 414 hectares per hour, or whatever fake version of miles they use.

(Many thanks to Charles Schneider for sending this one along)

Daryl Hall Is The Prettiest Girl I’ve Ever Seen

Daryl Hall Is The Prettiest Girl I’ve Ever Seen

Out of all the people to emerge from the boiling pot of goo that was the 1980s, Daryl Hall had the best hair. He looked like a well-groomed show-dog at all times in the best sort of way. He didn’t drool or bite or poop on the floor, but he still looked like a team of experts had been running combs over his entire body for hours. Who knows, maybe he does poop on the floor, I’ve never had the opportunity to ask. What Daryl Hall does with his feces is his own affair, I’m worried John Oates’s porn-stache will leap off his face and try to destroy humanity if we don’t start throwing virgins into a volcano as soon as possible. It’s the only way to get them to stop shredding

I hope Hall and Oates don’t feel too badly, even the best of us have shredding days.

Sasquatch Is Love, Sasquatch Is Life

Sasquatch Is Love, Sasquatch Is Life

I like Sasquatch, he brings up some very good points. He expresses himself clearly and concisely, and he cares about the people around him. If we were all a bit more like Sasquatch the world would be a better place. People would leave their doors unlocked at night. Policemen would wander the town with nothing to do. Elderly women wouldn’t be afraid to walk home from intense cribbage games late at night. Roving gangs of street thugs would give out gifts instead of vicious beatings. We’d have no need for lawyers and politicians, so they would sink back into the primordial ooze that birthed them.

If we could all be like Sasquatch, what a beautiful world it would be.