Cooking, Or A Lack Thereof

Cooking, Or A Lack Thereof

I normally don’t make fun of the appallingly disabled, but I feel like we have to make some allowances for our cooking-impaired friend. Not only is he dripping with extra chromosomes, he can’t make a very good pizza either. That thing looked about as appealing as a truck-stop bathroom. If he was any kind of decent cook I could overlook the obvious deformities, but mutilating a pizza should be punishable by spaying.

I also have the sneaking suspicion that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. For example, after blundering and slurring about for a bit, he manages to utter:

“…a convection oven is twice as hot as a regular oven at the same temperature.”

As you may have guessed, that train-wreck of a sentence doesn’t fill me with confidence in his ability to operate an oven that gets its heat from anything other than a small light bulb. It’s not really his fault, so I can’t be too mad. It’s an eHow video, which makes it about as helpful as retarded, blind, quadriplegic, seeing-eye dog. That might seem a bit harsh, but I feel absolutely justified in my vague dislike for eHow. Any company that puts a little letter in front of their name needs to have all their designers taken eOutside and eBeaten within an inch of their eLife.

No Matter What Happens, Keep Playing; The Groomsmen Are Getting Restless

No Matter What Happens, Keep Playing; The Groomsmen Are Getting Restless

Wine, women, spirits, and gunshots: if your party has at least three of these things then it’s probably a pretty dang good fiesta. You get bonus points if the police are called. Matching hats aren’t required, but they definitely help.

It’s a well known fact that accordions are the number one cause of fights, riots, and venereal diseases worldwide. The only reason they haven’t been banned yet is because the sudden influx of unemployed accordion players would probably cause mass hysteria. Many governments have elected to legalize accordions for personal use, but it seems like nothing can stop the mayhem caused by rogue accordion players.

I think it’s in everyone’s best interest to regulate accordion usage to private parties and events. The accordion is too powerful to be stopped, we can only hope to contain it.

Now That’s An Athlete

Now That’s An Athlete


That’s JJ Watt. He’s a prevensive end or a detented tackle box or some other position on the Houston Texacos, I think. Anyway, that’s not important right now. All you need to know is that he’s good. I mean real good. He can drink more Brawndo than any of the other prevensive players when the umpire give them a time out for a red card, or something.

They say he’s an animal in the weight room. I don’t know what that means, but it sounds awesome, don’t it? I don’t know what kinda animal. I mean, he could be a mink in the weight room for all we know. Maybe he’s, like, a sloth or a boa constrictor. But whatever it is, I bet it’s mean. You wouldn’t want to be trapped in a weight room with mean mink, I tell you what. He’d be all over you ankles in a heartbeat.

But most of all, he’s a college gradgiate. I mean gradyouate. Gladuit. I forget how to spell it, but he went to college for, like, years, and they gave him a piece of paper to prove it, just like the bailiff did for you in traffic court. Anyway, at 42 seconds in, you get a taste of all that collegiate goodness, when he tells you that fifty-five inches is five and a half feet.

Honestly, for that kind of insight, I figured you’d have to consult some sort of genius, like, say, Rob Gronkowski.

Something Went Wrong, But I Can’t Quite Put My Finger On What

Something Went Wrong, But I Can’t Quite Put My Finger On What

I feel like he’s missing a few steps. There seems to have been a big disconnect between lifting, carrying, and placing the pallet. About a five foot disconnect to be exact. Someone forgot that gravity exists and doesn’t look kindly on people misusing shipping dollies.

I’d say he got like three feet of air that time, but I know for a fact he got like eight feet of air if you count the height of the truck. He just took a high jump into a concrete slab, and he looked great doing it. I don’t know too many people who can take a hit like that and get up afterwards. Well — get up and stagger around a bit afterwards.