That’s JJ Watt. He’s a prevensive end or a detented tackle box or some other position on the Houston Texacos, I think. Anyway, that’s not important right now. All you need to know is that he’s good. I mean real good. He can drink more Brawndo than any of the other prevensive players when the umpire give them a time out for a red card, or something.

They say he’s an animal in the weight room. I don’t know what that means, but it sounds awesome, don’t it? I don’t know what kinda animal. I mean, he could be a mink in the weight room for all we know. Maybe he’s, like, a sloth or a boa constrictor. But whatever it is, I bet it’s mean. You wouldn’t want to be trapped in a weight room with mean mink, I tell you what. He’d be all over you ankles in a heartbeat.

But most of all, he’s a college gradgiate. I mean gradyouate. Gladuit. I forget how to spell it, but he went to college for, like, years, and they gave him a piece of paper to prove it, just like the bailiff did for you in traffic court. Anyway, at 42 seconds in, you get a taste of all that collegiate goodness, when he tells you that fifty-five inches is five and a half feet.

Honestly, for that kind of insight, I figured you’d have to consult some sort of genius, like, say, Rob Gronkowski.