Japanese, And Chinese, And Korean! Oh My!

Japanese, And Chinese, And Korean! Oh My!


Japanese, Korean, Chinese; who’s keeping track? I don’t know where this is from, and I’m far too lazy to Google translate the title. If I had to wager, I’d say that it couldn’t be Japanese, but I’ve been wrong before. There’s not enough tentacles, curiously sexual robots, or manic schoolgirls for this to be Japanese. Or maybe it is, and they’re taking a much more subtle approach to presenting their bizarre sense of everything. I wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest.

I can narrow it down a bit further by absolutely guaranteeing that it is not Chinese. The Chinese get weird, but they never incorporate anything this sophisticated into their pseudo-propaganda footage. There’s not enough happy workers or red backdrops, so that’s a dead giveaway. It can’t be Korean because there aren’t nearly enough people playing Starcraft while girls dressed like a Dollar Store Madonna feed them peeled grapes. There would also be banner ads for computer gaming equipment covering every inch of the screen, so Koreans are completely out. This brings us back to the Japanese.

At first it didn’t seem strange enough to be Japanese, but now that we’ve eliminated every other possibility we can conclusively say that the video is from Japan. I’m mildly disappointed, because this marks a low point in their weirdness, but it’s still pretty far out. It would have been a lot easier to just Google translate the title and see what language comes up, but categorizing the video tendencies of the three most prominent Asian countries was viscerally satisfying for me — minus Russia.

Don’t even get me started on the Russians.

(Many thanks to our good friend Charles Schneider for sending this one our way)

BOW TO YOUR SENSEI!

BOW TO YOUR SENSEI!

(Warning: some salty language, maybe? I really have no idea what he’s saying)

I’m Rex, founder of the Rex Kwon Do Self-Defense System. After one week with me in my dojo, you’ll be prepared to defend yourself with the strength of a grizzly, the reflexes of a puma and the wisdom of a man.  Come down today for your free trial lesson!

I’m sure Rex would be very disappointed with our friend in the video. Do you think he got where he is today because he dresses like shirtless Peter Pan over here? I mean, just take a look at what Rex wears. Do you think anyone wants a roundhouse kick to the face while he’s wearing those bad boys? Forget about it. Along with disciplining his image, our friend needs to learn about self-respect. Do you think anyone thinks Rex is a failure because he goes home to Starla at night? Forget about it!

Now, for the price of one Tapout shirt, our friend can sign up for Rex’s eight-week program.

How To Pick Up Chicks: Advanced Edition

How To Pick Up Chicks: Advanced Edition


I’ve done some extensive studies on how to pick up women, and my findings are exactly what you’d expect. If you’re a fighter pilot, test pilot, or stunt pilot, you’re 100 percent more likely to attract women than an accountant. Musicians, Olympic athletes, pirate-ship captains, and underwear models can’t compare to test pilots. The only people who come close are billionaires, but they don’t count. I’d become a pilot, but my ears go pop whenever I walk up the stairs, so that’s out of the question. Luckily, I’m devilishly handsome, which is enough to pick up grounded chicks. I’m not that into flighty girls to begin with, so it’s a win-win situation for me.

Some fools might claim that the best way to pick up women is to talk to them and take an interest in what they have to say, but they’re dead wrong. Women don’t want men with money either. Having money is a definite perk, but it’s not a deciding factor. What women really want are complete psychopaths — who smell good. If you’re a test pilot, or a musician, or an international man of mystery there’s obviously something deeply wrong with you and women are immensely attracted to that. They want to cradle your little psycho head in their arms while you froth at the mouth and shake violently. I don’t know what it is that makes women want men with deep-rooted issues, but it’s given me a steady stream of girlfriends, so I’m happy with the arrangement.

Of course, they all leave as soon as they figure out that I’m just a tremendous arsehole and there’s nothing actually wrong with me.

Sometimes, A Man Has Gotta Go Fast

Sometimes, A Man Has Gotta Go Fast


I really don’t know what all the hubbub is about; this is what the average run to the corner store for milk, cigarettes, and porn looks like when I’m driving. I typically crash a lot more than he did, I won’t give them the satisfaction of impressing a mildly pretentious jerk who lives in his Mom’s basement and eats Chef Boyardee ravioli out of a can while sitting semi-nude, basking in the warm glow of his CRT monitor. I think my problem is that I don’t have someone shouting instructions into my ear before every turn. When my Mom comes along she gives me pointers like “Watch out for that tree!” and “Slow down, you psychotic little cretin.”, but I don’t think those are the same as real racing instructions.

To be honest I think we’d both be better off if we didn’t have anyone barking instructions at us to begin with. It’s not like they mean anything, anyways. When you’re going over a hill, sideways at 90 MPH, who has time to figure out what “55 triple left hook; steady straight 300, 22, 88.” means? At that point, I’d be a lot more concerned with avoiding that nasty patch of spectators and trees in front of me than skirting some bushes half a mile up the road.