It’s Indescribably Beautiful

It’s Indescribably Beautiful


It may come as a surprise to many of you, but the French are know for much more than just snails, cheese, and surrendering to anyone who shows up with anything sharper than a baguette. France has been home to many of the greatest artists, musicians, and composers that ever lived. Debussy, Satie, Ravel, Saint-Saëns, and 2be3 are all renowned for their compositional prowess, timeless music, and washboard abs. Except for Debussy — he had more of a keg than a six-pack.

Perhaps I’m missing the point, somewhat, and 2be3 aren’t really in the same league as the other fellows. Naturally, they seem to be lacking some of the nuances of other French composers, but they’re all very French. There’s no denying how incredibly French they are. I’m glad they were able to succeed despite their terrible handicap, but I’m not going to patronize them. Their not-so-subtle attempt to rickroll me is not nearly as charming when Rick Astley’s sultry, sensuous baritone is replaced by three Frenchmen.

I will admit, 2be3 can probably pull a lot more French women than any of those other composers ever could. From what I can tell, a lot of women were entirely turned off by many French composers, and with good reason. Satie didn’t like leaving the room to go to the bathroom, so he would poop in the corner if he really had to pinch one. Saint-Saëns used to leave rather large portions of snail in his beard for snacking on later, and Ravel wrote Bolero.

Say what you will about Toujours La Pour Toi, at least it’s not Bolero.

It’s All Fun And Games Until Someone Shows Up With A Chainsaw

It’s All Fun And Games Until Someone Shows Up With A Chainsaw


I can’t ice skate, I’ve never felt obliged to ice-skate, and I don’t think I will ever ice skate. I will, however, ice chainsaw any day.

I don’t know what it is about ice skating that turns me off, but I get the overwhelming urge to stay away from ice skating and people who ice skate. When it’s cold enough for there to be ice, I tend to stay inside because I’m not insane. I live in a place where you can get frostbite from walking to your mailbox, so I like to spend my time indoors. Ice skating just seems like it would be a lot more trouble than it’s worth. First of all, you have to go outside, which is always a massive drawback. If I could build an ice rink somewhere in my house I would consider using it once in a blue moon, but if I had an indoor ice rink I could easily have had an indoor, heated swimming pool instead. Along with environmental issues, any form of skating is too much work, and everyone will think you’re a pansy. Ice skating isn’t exactly a masculine pastime.

I’d much prefer to ice chainsaw instead of ice skating. The thrill of zooming around will get your blood pumping enough to combat the cold, the chainsaw does all the work, so you can focus on staying upright, and no one will make fun of you because you’re swinging around a chainsaw like Leatherface on speed. Bringing a chainsaw is actually recommended for most ice-based events — I think the Tonya Harding incident would have turned out very differently if Nancy Kerrigan’s routine incorporated a chainsaw.

(Many thanks to our good friend Charles Schneider for sending this one our way)

And Now, The Moment You’ve All Been Waiting For…

And Now, The Moment You’ve All Been Waiting For…


Here’s all the nonlethal crashes from a variety of different races at the Nurburgring. Now you don’t need to pretend to like racing to see the crashes. You don’t need to watch a minute of actual racing to get to the juicy bits. All the juicy bits have been arranged here for your viewing pleasure — you’re welcome.

I like the crashes where they’re driving their mother’s hatchback in a straight line, and then somehow manage to spin out. All the ones with real race cars are good too, but there’s a certain charm to watching a Fiat Panda go careening into a wall. To be honest, the smaller the car, the more entertaining I find its demise. Along with that, I love when they’re not going very fast. It takes skill to completely oversteer and spin out when you’re going 10 MPH. Don’t even get me started on the motorcycles. Watching someone take a nasty spill off a slow-moving motorcycle fills me with childish glee

Normally, I’d say that there is something deeply wrong with me, but I know that everyone wants to watch crashes just as much as I do. It’s revenge for every time a car drove by your house at 2 AM, going 120 MPH, and blasting crap music. It’s a great way to let out all your pent up aggression. The same concept works for a lot of different things. After this I’m going to go watch a montage of Gordon Ramsey screaming at amateur chefs because I went to a restaurant once and my steak arrived a bit cold. Justice is served and karmic balance is restored to the universe.

You Know The Germans Always Make Good Stuff

You Know The Germans Always Make Good Stuff


I don’t know what they’re making, but I’m all for it. Even if they’re just melting down scrap, it still looks pretty cool, and looking cool is the most important part. If you’re going to do something, you might as well look good while doing it. It doesn’t matter if you’re doing it correctly or even competently, just look at Italian cars or French movies. I know for a fact that they have everything backwards and wrong, but they’re so chronically cool it doesn’t seem to matter.

The visually pleasing aesthetics of a foundry are undeniable, because it just looks so gosh darn interesting. The bright, molten metal thrown against a rough, industrial backdrop is enough to get any hot-blooded man in the mood. I’m sure that every kid would want a poster of a foundry on their wall instead of the same boring cars and bands as everyone else. It’s some intense stuff, man. If H.R. Giger and Enzo Ferrari designed a poster, this is what it would look like. It’s what a loading dock in Blade Runner would look like. It’s the final scene of Terminator Two, minus Arnold Schwarzenegger descending into a pool of molten metal.

The only way this could get cooler is if they started tossing virgins into the molten pit to appease their pagan gods. Primarily, the god of fire and brimstone, the god of foundry workers, and the god of looking freaking awesome.