Blessed Be the Portly, For They Shall Inherit the Neomedieval World

Blessed Be the Portly, For They Shall Inherit the Neomedieval World

[Fair warning: There’s a little casual swearing]

It’s awfully hard to prepare for an apocalypse that hasn’t arrived yet. You never know if you’re supposed to hoard gold coins or toilet paper. I figure toilet paper would make a more useful coin of the realm than actual coins WTSHTF, but what do I know? When in doubt, I go down in the basement to sort all the wood screws and put them in baby food jars. In zombie times, a goodly supply of screws is bound to prevail.

But what about self defense? If someone decides to get medieval on yo azz, are you ready to thrust, or parry, or advance-lunge, or disengage and run away properly? Or in the case of these fine specimens of medieval combat, are you prepared to lean on a tubby guy dressed by an HVAC contractor for long periods without passing out from boredom, inanition, or nerd B.O. ?

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Worst. Circus. Ever.

Worst. Circus. Ever.

Hey, remember the circus? They had wild, exotic animals. The animals were trained to do all sorts of amazing tricks. The circus had lion tamers who stuck their heads inside the lions’ mouths like crazed dentists. The circus had dancing elephants. There were guys and dolls eating fire.

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Do, or Do Not. There Is No Why

Do, or Do Not. There Is No Why

Why would you fire 700 rounds on full auto from an M249 SAW with a suppressor on it, in one continuous burst, no less? Do or do not, I always say. There is no why.

They did it because they’re borderline sociopathic boys, that’s why. They did it because they’re males of the species. We’re idiots, and that’s the way we like it. We malinger in the back row of every class at school except shop, where we malinger in the front row. We eat SpaghettiOs cold, right from the can, while watching wrestling. No reason. Why never enters our vocabulary.

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