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Category: young men standing around looking sullen

Hey Beavis — I Hate YouTube Videos That Suck

Hey Beavis — I Hate YouTube Videos That Suck

(Warning: Some salty language, maybe. I couldn’t really tell.)

I don’t know how skateboards work, nor do I care to find out, but I know why the hipsters are getting their panties in a bundle. Even a casual observer can see that Wal-Mart skateboards suck your granny’s pond water through a gnarly straw. They’ve left the Earth’s orbit and voyaged into a brave new world of sucking that envelops the cosmos. They’re not very good. Then again, I wouldn’t expect them to be very good, so I don’t know what the problem is. What? You want the wheels to spin forwards and backward? What are you, some kind of rank amateur? That’s nothing that a little WD40 can’t fix, and I’m sure the boards would be less prone to breaking if you didn’t chuck them at the ground every few minutes. Again, I don’t have anything to compare it to. Maybe the boards aren’t supposed to break when smashed.

The fellows did a followup video some time later, which is equally as amusing and vaguely informative:
Who would have thought that a lone group of skateboarders would band together to cast off the shackles of unbeatable prices that hold the populous in a state of skateboard purgatory. Our evil, corporate, fat-cat overloads never saw it coming — or maybe they did and simply didn’t care.

Drunken Throng Rampages Through City, Repairs Bike Rack, Remodels Kitchen

Drunken Throng Rampages Through City, Repairs Bike Rack, Remodels Kitchen

Pfft — kids these days; going out and fixing things instead of staying home and drinking alone while basking in the warm glow of the television.

What a bunch of amateurs. These are the kind of people who go out for a night of hard drinking, and wake up the next day in a newly constructed breakfast nook that somehow appeared in their kitchen where a wall used to be. Absolutely shameful. I bet they didn’t even get a permit to fix that bike rack; the city council will be furious.

What’s next next for these hoodlums? Are they going to go around fixing leaky faucets? Are they going to bake a nice loaf of bread, and have it ready for the next morning? Are they going to walk their girlfriends home, and then go back to their apartment to get a good night’s rest? They’re so vicious and unpredictable I can scarcely imagine what they could be planning. God help us all if they get their hands on power tools — they might start building things they’ll regret the next morning .

The Melonbomber Saga

The Melonbomber Saga

(Warning: some salty language)

I’m glad that they took the time to prepare themselves for working with flammable materials by donning the finest gym shorts and sandals, the most inflammable of all clothing. Err — I mean nonflammable. Well, I don’t think they know the difference either; that’s why they’re wearing them.

I’m not sure what they were expecting. A hollowed out melon has the tensile strength of — well, a melon. If you can rip it apart with your hands, how well do you think it’ll fare when it’s on fire and being struck with a baseball bat. If they were using a catapult to launch the melon, I think the whole exploding-fruit concept would have worked swimmingly, but their delivery system is decidedly flawed.

After a little bit of research I discovered that this video predates YouTube, so everyone in this video is pushing thirty at this point. And those who aren’t pushing 30 have probably died in melon-related accidents.

Bad Sneakers And A Slow Motion Camera, My Friend

Bad Sneakers And A Slow Motion Camera, My Friend

How to make a successful skateboarding video: a lesson by Charlie Maine.

First and foremost you will need to own something resembling a skateboard. It’s okay if it’s just a 2×8 with all the wheels missing, it’s the thought that counts. Next, you’ll need the proper skating attire. Go put on your favorite Slayer t-shirt, flannel top, tight pants, and bad sneakers to fit in with your friends. The spiky denim jacket of yesteryear has been almost completely phased out in favor of the cleaner, neater, almost hipster look. You can still keep all your Black Flag patches, but punk is dead, dude. There’s nothing you can do about it, stop living in the past, man.

Finally, buy a five-thousand dollar slow-motion video camera, and watch the views come pouring in. Enjoy a fruitful existence full of sweet grinds, awesome ollies, and whatever it is skateboarders do.