My life fades. The vision dims. All that remains are memories. I remember a time of chaos — ruined dreams — this wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called “Mario.” To understand who he was, you have to go back to another time… when the world was powered by the black fuel — and the desert sprouted great cities of pipe and steel. Gone now –swept away. For reasons long forgotten, two mighty warrior tribes went to war, and touched off a blaze which engulfed them all.
The latest fight reminds me of one of Pacquiao’s fights from a few years ago. Even though he’s way past his prime, the man can still kick an ass like nobody’s business. I would rather get my faced ripped off by a rabid racoon than fight Manny Pacquiao. He’s not the scariest looking guy, but in a heartbeat he can rearrange your face to look like one of Picasso’s drunken nightmares. He’s a beast. His beastliness wasn’t really reflected in last night’s fight, but that doesn’t make Pacquiao any less terrifying.
I don’t know what game this is, but I want it. I want a copy for every single one of my friends, so we can all get together and plot the destruction of the Western World with our army of flaming, explosive-spewing super-tanks. I’ll insist on adding more cannons and spikes to our contraptions, so we have a Mad Max via Bismarck vibe. If the Germans can do one thing it’s generate a great nation-stomping vibe. What they do after they get that vibe going can be very controversial; they seem to have a history of flattening their neighbors whenever the mood takes them.
Theoretically, if we all wear leather pants and put spikes on everything our armies will be unstoppable. Well, our virtual armies. Real life is a lot harder. We’ll have to deal with the immense logistics of equipping troops with enough spikes to make Kaiser Wilhelm II blush without completely crippling our supply lines. In order to get an appropriate spike to troop ratio, daily rations need to be removed entirely. Food is a lot bulkier that you would expect, and spikes take top priority. To prevent mass starvation, I’ve devised a type of edible spike that can be worn, eaten, and used to impale enemies. A slightly frozen McChicken fashioned into the classic, spiky shape can do some serious damage. Hopefully, the smell of frosty fast food will distract the enemy long enough for my troops to get within impaling range. We didn’t have any room in the supply van for real weapons, so I’m afraid everyone gets a box of frozen McChickens and that’s about it. I plan on starting a new McDonald’s franchise in each city we take to finance our efforts and make the war worthwhile.
That is, if we ever get past our digital planning stages. I haven’t even gotten around to buying the game yet.
Kids These Days And Their Vidya Games And Their Rock And Roll Devil Music
I’m very pleased to present the latest masterwork by the one and only Stamford Waffles. Lovingly crafted on a shoestring budget of three gummy bears and a single can of Pepsi, The Simpsons Split and Run is by far his finest work. Look at the detail in each shot. You won’t see anything like this on the big screen. Stanley Kubrick, eat your heart out.
I still have trouble fathoming the awesomeness of the soundtrack. Stayin In Black is so utterly hip it’s going to need a hip replacement to handle its own hipness. If it got any cooler it would cause another ice age. It’s so sweet you’ll get diabetes if you listen to it for too long.
They’re staying alive, man, what more could you ask for?