Way out East there was this fella — fella I wanna tell ya about. Fella by the name of John Coffey. At least that was the handle his loving parents gave him, but he never had much use for it himself. John Coffey, he called himself John Coffey. Now, John Coffey — he didn’t make a whole lot of sense. And a lot about where he lived, likewise.
My name is Dillon, and if you study with my eight-week program you will learn a system of picking up chick that I developed over two seasons of flying over California. It’s called Dillon Kwon Do! After one week with me in my eight-week program, you’ll be prepared to fly with the strength of an osprey, the reflexes of a cockatoo, and the wisdom of a man.
Ghost ride the whip and etc. Keep it real. I much prefer to keep it fake, but that’s just me. I never got wrapped up in the whole rap lingo thing. I can barely speak English, so I avoid learning new languages. I nonsensically mutter enough as it is. I’m not sure what I’d sound like when you combine it with the subtleties of gangsta rap.
Good day, gentlemen. Would you care to direct me to where da hood at? You see, it doesn’t sound right when I do it. I enunciate it all wrong. My attitude isn’t in the right place. I haven’t participated in enough drive-bys or robbed enough liquor stores to get the right feeling. I’ll never be da realest gangsta around.
I’ve done some extensive studies on how to pick up women, and my findings are exactly what you’d expect. If you’re a fighter pilot, test pilot, or stunt pilot, you’re 100 percent more likely to attract women than an accountant. Musicians, Olympic athletes, pirate-ship captains, and underwear models can’t compare to test pilots. The only people who come close are billionaires, but they don’t count. I’d become a pilot, but my ears go pop whenever I walk up the stairs, so that’s out of the question. Luckily, I’m devilishly handsome, which is enough to pick up grounded chicks. I’m not that into flighty girls to begin with, so it’s a win-win situation for me.
Some fools might claim that the best way to pick up women is to talk to them and take an interest in what they have to say, but they’re dead wrong. Women don’t want men with money either. Having money is a definite perk, but it’s not a deciding factor. What women really want are complete psychopaths — who smell good. If you’re a test pilot, or a musician, or an international man of mystery there’s obviously something deeply wrong with you and women are immensely attracted to that. They want to cradle your little psycho head in their arms while you froth at the mouth and shake violently. I don’t know what it is that makes women want men with deep-rooted issues, but it’s given me a steady stream of girlfriends, so I’m happy with the arrangement.
Of course, they all leave as soon as they figure out that I’m just a tremendous arsehole and there’s nothing actually wrong with me.