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Category: Russia

BEEP BEEP, GET OUT OF THE WAY TOVARICH

BEEP BEEP, GET OUT OF THE WAY TOVARICH

Not one, not two, but three crashes in a 40 second period. You need to get out of bed pretty early in the morning to do that much damage. Your schedule would be pretty hectic. Get up in the morning and immediately go out and hurl yourself into traffic. Then after lunch crash at least one car into a tree or pedestrian. Then before you go to bed, make sure to set up spike strips all up and down your street. That’s how they get things done in the Eastern Bloc.

What this footage didn’t show was the twelve car pileup that eventually disabled the dashcam. Then they all drove off a cliff like lemmings, because it’s a lot safer than driving in Russia.

Borderline Sociopathic Dance Party

Borderline Sociopathic Dance Party

It ain’t a party till the cops come, or at least that’s what my dad told me. He seems to be an expert on such things. Being that he’s at least vaguely Irish I’m not sure there’s much he couldn’t tell me. I do however have full confidence that my daddy could take your daddy any day of the week, but I digress.

I don’t go to parties anymore. It’s too much effort trying to pick my friends back up from under the table. I’d stay for the music if there was any, but it’s just beep and bloops being blared at flight deck volume. I’d rather not go than complain about it. Let the people have what they want, I can throw my own party and get what I want whenever I feel like it. Of course, I want to listen to Oingo Boingo records while squatting in my living room, but that can be a party too.

Look Matushka, No Hands

Look Matushka, No Hands

[Warning: Some salty language in the soundtrack]

I guess this is what happens when playing in traffic gets dull, or you get old enough to shave. You find yourself dangling off a rusted tower somewhere outside Chechnya hoping a parachute won’t be needed. Not that you have a parachute in the first place. Even if you’re in the military, when you open up your pack there’s only a coupon for a parachute. You make do over there. As long as you don’t let go there really shouldn’t be a problem. And even big problems in Russia don’t last for very long. They’re generally over at terminal velocity.

I’ve come to accept that no matter what any video on YouTube is about, the music will be god-awful. It’s like zoning laws for the Intertunnel. The music’s terrible, it’s true, but it serves the important purpose of drowning out the sound of their brass testicles clinking together, and the clatter of their tiny little brains rolling around in their heads like a pinballs.

[Many many thanks to our pal Jonathan Frost-Johnson and the esteemed Gerard at American Digest for dropping this video on us]

In Soviet Russia, Magazine Loads YOU

In Soviet Russia, Magazine Loads YOU

[Video Warning: Some salty language and gratuitous usage of memes at around the two minute mark]

The Swiss must be furious.

After all the effort they’ve poured into their fancy little knife it gets blown away by a 70 year old piece of Soviet Engineering. Don’t get me wrong, if I’m ever in a situation where I need a miniature knife, screwdriver, and or file nothing beats a Swiss army knife. On the off chance I ever need to do something useful the Swiss army knife leaves much to be desired. This is where the AK mag really seems to shine. It is entirely capable of driving a nail, screwing a screw, and mercilessly striking down my enemies. The magazine also acts as a bottle opener so you can do all that while completely off your face. To be fair, the Swiss never stood a chance.

Soviets: 1
Capitalist Pigs: 0

[Many thanks to our friend of impeccable taste, Gerard at American Digest ]