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Category: hold my beer and watch this

Redneck Sprinkler 2014

Redneck Sprinkler 2014

[Warning: very salty language]

Bold, confident, innovative; these are just some of the words a businessman would use when talking about his company. But we here at Redneck Supplies LLC like to think we can say more interesting words about our company than any of our rivals. We’re just as enterprising, cocksure, and newfangled as our competitors, but at half the cost. We source all of our products from local entrepreneurs, cutting down on shipping costs, so we can bring you the best items for the lowest price.

I am proud to present the newest model from our award winning line of Redneck Sprinklers. As you can see from our live demonstration, the volunteer is not only rocked and rolled; he is thrown to the ground to be stomped and smushed at the user’s convenience.

So act now, so you and your loved ones can experience the wonder of our Redneck Sprinkler system. Now on sale for only forty-nine payments of $29.95.

[Many thanks to the indispensable Leon for sending this one along]

You Don’t Know Pain

You Don’t Know Pain


I don’t know who Hamish and Andy are. They’re from Australia, I gather, where everything from goldfish to petunias will sting you, so I assumed they’d be a little more stoic about the whole thing. The one with the disco deficiency put on mittens full of bullet ants. I gather that little boys in that tribe do it to prove how tough they are, and they do it twenty times or so before they find a more salubrious hobby like mumblety peg or tickling caimans or something. And these two have the unmitigated gall to call this the worst pain known to man? Pfft.

Please. They’ve obviously never filled out a Schedule C at midnight on April 14th. Try swimming at Old Orchard Beach in Maine in May. Go on, I double dog dare you. Don’t they have Catholic schools in Australia? Stick out your hands for a nun holding a metal edge ruler and get back to me.

For cripes sake, these tribesmen have never even heard of Bucky Dent. They don’t know pain.

[Thanks to Gerard at American Digest for sending that one over]

Look On My Works, Ye Mighty, And Despair!

Look On My Works, Ye Mighty, And Despair!


Sure, he’s dressed like your garden-variety trailer park denizen. He seems a bit meek and mild-mannered, or maybe just stoned. But don’t let that fool you; that dude’s BIG trouble. He’s like Shaft, John McClane, and Hercules all rolled into one. He leaves a wake of destruction in his path that only government subsidies could hope to equal. He’s got the reverse Midas touch. After he passes by, nothing leaves a shadow. We should have sent him to Iraq instead of the army. Rubble don’t make trouble, I always say, and believe me, that garage isn’t going to bother anyone anytime soon.

The True Borderline Sociopathic Boy Uses Whatever’s Handy To Pick Up Chicks

The True Borderline Sociopathic Boy Uses Whatever’s Handy To Pick Up Chicks


OK, OK, so maybe she’s a little “broad in the beam.” When it’s Last Call, and Miss America ain’t showing up, the true Borderline Sociopathic Boy knows a girl wearing stack-soled go-go boots is worth a flyer. She’s up for anything. Why, I bet she’ll let you pick her up off the ground with two RC helicopters, and will also go halfsies on a suitcase of Bud Light. No sense looking a gift horse in the mouth.

(Sent along by Gerard at American Digest, who still picks up girls the old-fashioned way — hitchhikers)