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Category: Flamethrower

I’ll Have Two Firefighters Over Easy

I’ll Have Two Firefighters Over Easy

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LyJa94Io44

Its really rough being a fireman when you take the name literally. You’re not supposed to set yourself on fire, man.

This reminds me of a job I had for about five minutes before I was let go for breeding pigeons on the roof, and letting them use the bathroom for their poo parties. The poo parties weren’t my idea; I simply noticed that the pigeons pooped a lot, and liked frightening the incontinent. The bathroom was an ideal spot to keep them when they weren’t soaring above the Denny’s parking, defecating on everything that dared stray within a one-mile radius of their poo headquarters.

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Ask Not What Your Flamethrower Can Do For You — Ask What You Can Do For Your Flamethrower

Ask Not What Your Flamethrower Can Do For You — Ask What You Can Do For Your Flamethrower

(Warning: some salty language, yelling, and incessant questioning of things women will never understand)

A man doesn’t build a flamethrower for any real reason; he builds it because he can. Unless he’s a professional arsonist, in which case the flamethrower is a vital piece of equipment. Then again, if someone hands you a business card that says professional arsonist it’s probably a good idea to give it back and wipe the gasoline off your fingers before he gets any big, flamey ideas.

Defined as: “a mechanical incendiary device designed to project a long, controllable stream of fire”, the flamethrower really needs a few bits appended onto that nice little description to make it fit better with the parlance of our times.

How about: “A thingy that throws flames, and shit; get over it Martha it’s not that big a deal, Christ”. Better? Better.

Burn, Baby, Burn. Bristol Inferno.

Burn, Baby, Burn. Bristol Inferno.

He’s made that flamethrower for all the wrong reasons. You don’t make a machine like that because you’re trying to emulate a comic book character. You make it because you can — and because flamethrowers are awesome. If my weekend project was to build a flamethrower I’d be pretty satisfied with myself. Just imagine all the cool things you can do when you finish building it. Instead of letting your wife burn your toast, burn it yourself with your brand new flamethrower. You don’t need to have any rhyme or reason to singe your eyebrows off.  It’s just a thoroughly enjoyable experience.

We all need to come up with more activities that could definitely use a flamethrower. I could see it being used for gardening. You’ve got to get those pesky weeds out somehow. Hunting would be perfect because all the meat would come precooked.