Well, you have to admit, that’s a really nice looking cave. Everyone is dressed real nice, and someone is obviously sweeping up after hours. There were very few stalagmites, or stalactites, I forget which is which. There’s very little general gloominess, which kills the mood. Nothing was flickering. Without something flickering, how are you going to get the proper cave vibe? I searched in vain for a filthy, half-starved genius using a mismatched assortment of rusty tanks to feed a sparking acetylene torch, but all I saw was a nicely dressed young woman with several glue guns on a conference room table.
Oh well, let’s not quibble. At least it got off the ground. As a means of getting around, the whole suit seemed less than ideal, however. But think of the grilled cheese sandwiches you could make with those nozzles! You know, if someone put the cheese on the bread for you, because your hands are covered in nozzles.
Look, I Don’t Care How Super He Is, He’s Still Going To Get Bugs In His Teeth
Now, Superman’s super. That’s a given. I understand that. It’s right there in the name.
But the fellow has sketchy references, you have to admit. No one from around town can vouch for the fellow. No. Fixed. Address. He blows hot and cold, too; one minute he’s changing the Earth’s rotation, the next minute he’s just standing around while a freshman thug empties a revolver into him. Then –get this– when the malefactor is out of ammo, he throws the gun at this alleged Super man, and what does Superman do? He ducks! He ducks, mind you. Somewhataboveaverageman would be more like it, if you ask me.
But of course, Scientifically Accurate Spiderman is an important piece of entertainment, or science, or social commentary, or humor, or satire, or whatever it is. Yes, yes, but never mind that; it would be way, way, better than the original. I mean, if Peter Parker threw up on Gwen Stacy and tried to eat her, and then his dick fell off, now that would be a story worth tuning in for. As it stands, he’s just some sort of emo escapee from Cirque du Soleil.
They Really Shouldn’t Bother With A Rear-View Mirror. Nothing’s Gonna Come At You From There