Climbing the second tallest building in Romania isn’t a picnic, but it sure looks good once you get to the top. Viewing the barren wasteland that is Eastern Europe is especially invigorating from high altitudes, because you get a great view of all the irradiated rubble.
The land has a certain gray tinge to it that’s unique to Eastern Europe. It’s like they live in a giant desert made from shredded newspaper and dead communists, but that shouldn’t stop you from enjoying the view. The concrete bunkers in the background give the place a certain je ne sais quoi. It makes me want to become a subsistence farmer and only eat beets for the rest of my life.
Imagine clinging to a bridge that has been designed, built, and maintained Ukrainians. Now there’s a scary thought. You’re in a country that was called the Ukrainian Soviet Socialist Republic until 1991, and you’re trusting that the whole bridge isn’t about to collapse in on itself. That’s pretty hardcore, dude.
I’ve got to hand it to them though, those commies can pour concrete. They’ve got a fetish for the stuff. Never have I seen an entire nation so fascinated with creating architecture that’s almost as sullen as their weather. The only people who can pour concrete better than communists are the Romans, and they make everyone look like they’re playing around in a puddle of mud in front of a grass shack by comparison.
Competitive Triangle Climbing Sweeps Nation, Takes Out Trash, Walks Dog
I have a theory that you can put dubstep in the background of anything and make it into a YouTube sensation. Not that there’s anything wrong with competitive triangle climbing. I’m just saying that our brains have been programmed to react to certain audio cues regardless of what’s happening on camera. It’s like a Pavlovian response, except Pavlov never dropped a bass in his life. A video like this simply wouldn’t have the same effect if Debussy was sawing away in the background. It would be a much more pleasant and surreal video, but not front page of the Intertunnel material.
I suggest that we test my theory in some way. If we take a sport that seems outwardly tedious and layer on a little bit of dubstep will anyone notice? Will people find the sport more interesting than it actually is? Can we use this knowledge to make baseball, soccer, and golf watchable while sober? Nah, probably not. You’ll never be able to make soccer interesting under any circumstance.
I guess this is what happens when playing in traffic gets dull, or you get old enough to shave. You find yourself dangling off a rusted tower somewhere outside Chechnya hoping a parachute won’t be needed. Not that you have a parachute in the first place. Even if you’re in the military, when you open up your pack there’s only a coupon for a parachute. You make do over there. As long as you don’t let go there really shouldn’t be a problem. And even big problems in Russia don’t last for very long. They’re generally over at terminal velocity.
I’ve come to accept that no matter what any video on YouTube is about, the music will be god-awful. It’s like zoning laws for the Intertunnel. The music’s terrible, it’s true, but it serves the important purpose of drowning out the sound of their brass testicles clinking together, and the clatter of their tiny little brains rolling around in their heads like a pinballs.
[Many many thanks to our pal Jonathan Frost-Johnson and the esteemed Gerard at American Digest for dropping this video on us]