I don’ very much care for people. It’s nothing personal. I don’t specifically dislike anyone. I just have an inherent distrust for people of all ages, creeds, heights, weights, and hat sizes. You could be the virtuous bastard lovechild of Gandhi, St. Peter, and Mother Teresa, and I still wouldn’t trust you as far as I could throw you. I’ve got very little upper-body strength, so that wouldn’t be very far.

It’s not just me, either. A lot of people seem to have an inherent distrust for anything with opposable thumbs. This includes apes, gibbons, orangutangs, chimpanzees, and democrats, along with regular humans. I’m not trying to disparage humans in any way by associating them with democrats — I’m just trying to say that I’m thoroughly disappointed by everyone’s existence including my own, and there isn’t a YouTube video on God’s green Intertunnel that can change my mind.

People have been, and will be, responsible for every negative thing in my life including birth, death, and everything in between. I can blame spiders, Scientologists, and cinnamon buns for some of the strife in my life, but the rest comes down to people. I’ll never be able to forgive myself for being born a human when I could have been living it up as an albino porcupine somewhere in the middle of the Sierra Madre.

As far as everyone else is concerned, they’re just constant reminders that no amount of plastic surgery could ever make me into a beautiful little porcupine.