When I was a boy, I had to go to school for some reason. I’m not sure why I went, but everyone I knew seemed rather keen on the concept. I went along with it for a while, but I never got the hang of it. I couldn’t remember my locker combination, I never understood the concept of homework, and I had to eat school lunches. Whenever anybody tried to take my lunch money, I would bet them within an inch of their life, so I always had money for bad lunches. If I was smart I would have just given them the money.

After a while I’d be shepherded into a classroom and strapped to one of the thoroughly uncomfortable chairs. I didn’t mind that aspect of it so much, but what happened afterwards was torture. We usually didn’t do anything for a long period of time. We’d sit around, twiddle our thumbs, and wait for the next class. When we got to the next class we’d sit around, twiddle our thumbs, and wait for the next class. The whole day went on that way until we got to science class. Science class was different. We got to watch educational television in Science class.

I remember it well, because it was equally as dreadful as sitting around doing nothing. I found it to be doubly as damaging as doing nothing because we watched things that were of little consequence. Nothing offered any sort of hard facts that I could get behind. Every day was another lame episode of Bill Nye the Science Guy or a NOVA special on Himalayan Dog-Faced Monkeys. If we watched anything with some wholesome explosions I wouldn’t have anything to complain about. I wouldn’t have minded if we opened our textbooks from time to time, but I knew better than to expect something sensible.

Anyways, I never really did well in school because we never seemed to be doing anything. In the words of a great man: