You know, Canada’s nice. Too nice, according to Canadians, but they’re just being, well, too nice about the whole thing. They don’t want you to feel bad about how nice they are. That wouldn’t be nice. The British Isles are fairly pleasant. They have nuclear weapons, but I never get the impression they’d use them or anything. They’re like the hood ornament on a Jaguar. It doesn’t matter what’s on the hood, because the car is always in the shop. I think Finnish people are nice, or would be, at least, if they would answer a question without staring at their shoes. Australians are a blast, of course. I think it’s all the Foster’s and everything being poisonous in their country that makes them so jolly. Why be glum if even the fuzzy, cute animals might drop you where you stand? The orchestra played at a 12 degee pitch on the Titanic, didn’t it? Might as well; it’s less work than panicking.

No, the US is not the greatest thing in the history of ever because we’re all nice, or fun, or polite, or smart, or salubrious, or even interesting. We’re the Greatest thing in the history of ever because we spent $25 billion just so we could do donuts on Old Man Moon’s lawn.

The rest of our Federal budget? We wasted it.