Why would you fire 700 rounds on full auto from an M249 SAW with a suppressor on it, in one continuous burst, no less? Do or do not, I always say. There is no why.

They did it because they’re borderline sociopathic boys, that’s why. They did it because they’re males of the species. We’re idiots, and that’s the way we like it. We malinger in the back row of every class at school except shop, where we malinger in the front row. We eat SpaghettiOs cold, right from the can, while watching wrestling. No reason. Why never enters our vocabulary.

We’re males. We ask only The Big Questions. Well, honestly, we only ask one question. What happens if I do this? It’s the only question that matters. It’s the question that lit up the light bulb for Tommy Edison. It’s the question that put a bear outside of Christopher McCandless. It’s the only question we know. Hold my beer and watch this is a variant. It’s not a question, exactly. It’s, “What happens if I do this,” for men who figure they already know the answer, but don’t.

The only question that matters might make you plunge to your death, or set yourself on fire, or give you a 10,000-volt tingle, or melt the barrel on a perfectly good machine gun. It’s still the only question that matters. Except of course, for “What’s for lunch?” That’s a pretty good one, too.