Dear god — it’s horrible. It’s hideous. It’s — vertical. We live in an age of rocket-cars and hover-boards, you people should know how to operate a cameraphone at this point. I’d write my congressman to complain about this, but his secretary told me that she’ll call the cops if I write him any more letters.

There are a few things that humanity needs to collectively agree to stop doing. I don’t care about war, or famine, or any of that other crap. I want people to stop making vertical iPhone videos. This is why aliens are avoiding our planet. This is why natural disasters happen. This is how Hitler got started. This is why we can’t have nice things.