I’ll Have A Large Cheese Pizza With Extra Bass, Please

I’ll Have A Large Cheese Pizza With Extra Bass, Please

I know I said large cheese pizza in the title, but if you order a pizza without any toppings there’s something deeply wrong with you. You’re a complete killjoy, party-pooper, stick-in-the-mud, or perhaps you’re an android who’s can’t feel human emotion. Pizza without toppings is just a really poor attempt at making a sad lasagna. You need to throw in a few pepperonis at the very least. A pizza can be a cornucopia of delicious meats, veggies, and other treats stacked on top of a cheesy base, but it rarely comes out that way. Most people disregard the toppings and that’s a crime against food and nature. The only way it could get any worse is if the pizza was gluten free.

You can get really creative with your pizza toppings. Have you ever had a Hawaiian pizza? It’s like being punched in the mouth by an angel. Unusual and exotic combinations make for fantastic results. I know people who put ranch dressing on their pizza, but they’ve completely lost their minds. The real trick is to put other food on pizza instead of just slathering it with more liquified goop. Add on a few layers of bacon, or maybe a few steaks. Dump a salad on top and see where that gets you. Hell, at some point in my life I will probably make a pizza that has a corner-store rotisserie chicken as a topping. Not slices of chicken — the whole thing. There’s a good chance that I’ll be incredibly, incredibly drunk, but that’s where all the best inspiration comes from.

In the end, that’s what pizza is all about: inspiration. If you can think of it, you can probably put it on a pizza. Don’t settle for second-rate pizzas with lame toppings. Demand absurd, monstrous pizzas, because this is America. If we stop putting weird crap on our pizzas, the terrorists win.

You Stay Classy, Continental Airlines

You Stay Classy, Continental Airlines

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Have you ever wanted to fly on a plane with shag so thick it’ll drown a toddler? Me neither, but when was the last time you were able to comfortably stand up in a plane, let alone grab a mixed drink and play pong? Exactly. These days you’re lucky if you have enough room to properly own and operate all four appendages. I’m not in a position to buy my own private jet yet, so I have to settle for the garbage that’s currently on offer. I assume that many of you are in a similar position.

Flying in a commercial airliner is closer to riding on a Greyhound bus than soaring majestically over the clouds. Even the first class cabins in most planes are pretty meh. I’m pretty sure Air Emirates offers hookers and blow for anyone flying first class, but they’re the outlier in this case. The average cabin looks like the inside of a PVC pipe with some carpeting and uncomfortable seats. What happened to the buffet and dinette sets? When did things go so wrong? We don’t have to have crappy, boring plane rides, we just do.

Some people might say that the reason why we’re confined to our seats is for safety, but that’s kind of a load of crap. I’d rather hit turbulence while standing at the bar, getting hammered on complimentary mini-drinks than sitting in a glorified deck chair, surrounded by people who are way too sober to be flying.

KHAN! Sorry, I Meant KANE

KHAN! Sorry, I Meant KANE


Sorry for the mix-up, I have Star Trek on the brain at the moment.

Citizen Kane is all well and good, but I don’t think anything can compare to the entertainment I derive from watching old Star Trek. William Shatner’s acting, mixed with ludicrous writing just gives me the giggles. I’m not trying to compare the merits of one of the greatest films of all time with one of the greatest — er, well, alrightest TV shows of all time. Even alrightest is a bit of a stretch. More like, the most somewhat watchable shows of all time. I’m not trying to compare the two, because that would be silly.

What I’m trying to do is stress that Star Trek is inherently superior. Not because of the acting, or the filmography, or the special effects, or the production values, because we all know Star Trek hasn’t got any of those. What Star Trek has is charm — and it’s wonderfully terrible. It’s like your toddler’s drawings: they aren’t Monet, but no one is expecting them to be. It’s so bad it’s good. Star Trek is borderline unwatchable, but that makes it immensely compelling. It’s like a wonderful technicolor train wreck. Citizen Kane is simply a really good movie. Really good movies are great if you’re an android who has no concept of fun. For the rest of us, there’s Star Trek.

Come on — at the end of the day you’re always going to pick Captain Kirk fighting a Gorn in a spangly leotard over Orson Welles and his sled fetish.

The Swimmin’ Hole

The Swimmin’ Hole

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If your young years don’t include a swimmin’ hole, you’re having a deprived childhood. Every pool you swim in shouldn’t be rectangular. It’s fun to go where others don’t, and have some fun with your friends. It’s much better if you ditch school or work, but any old day will do. Go!