Fool Me Once, Shame On You; Fool Me Twice, Shame On Me; Fool Me Three Times And There’s Gonna Be Trouble

Fool Me Once, Shame On You; Fool Me Twice, Shame On Me; Fool Me Three Times And There’s Gonna Be Trouble

You’d think that after the second or third try it would finally sink in that the fuel cap is on the wrong side of the car. I don’t know what sort of depraved, warped, perverse human would put the fuel cap on the left hand side of the car. I can easily see how the confusion arose in the first place. She looked like she was going through the Kübler-Ross model of grief every time she stepped out of the car.

This reminds me of a game I used to play with my friends: Is It Wrong Or European? There are many variations of  the game, and I really wouldn’t talk about them in mixed company, but you get the idea. Now, the casual viewer at home has probably noticed that the video is indeed taking place in Europe, so that explains everything. Or does it? I would venture that it’s not only European, which is bad enough, it’s frightfully, dreadfully, horrifyingly wrong. They live in a country that’s been driving on the wrong side of the road for so long they put the driver’s seat on the wrong side to try and compensate, but that only made things worse.

They’re too far gone at this point; I don’t think they could right themselves if they tried. It’s as habitual as breathing for them, so there’s nothing we can do to save them. Our only option is nuke it from orbit — it’s the only way to be sure that it doesn’t spread to sensible countries.

Too Much Time On My Hands

Too Much Time On My Hands


Too much ink on my hands.Too many pixels on my hands. Carpal-tunnel from mouse clicks. They’re all one in the same. Andy Warhol was way, way too optimistic when he said that in the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes. What happened was more like, in the future, everyone will be on the front page of Reddit for one minute and fifty-three seconds if they upload a video they found on LiveLeak to YouTube.

This guy’s got the whole concept down, but if he really wants his full portion of Intertunnel YouTube fame, he should fix it so the screen capture for the video’s thumbnail is a girl in a bikini about to lose her top. She doesn’t have to actually be in the video or anything. That way everyone watches till the end waiting for the nudity, even though there’s never any nudity on YouTube; but we never learn, do we? It doesn’t matter. Remember, dislikes on YouTube are just as effective a career move as likes. Ask Bieber.

Ask Not What Your Flamethrower Can Do For You — Ask What You Can Do For Your Flamethrower

Ask Not What Your Flamethrower Can Do For You — Ask What You Can Do For Your Flamethrower

(Warning: some salty language, yelling, and incessant questioning of things women will never understand)

A man doesn’t build a flamethrower for any real reason; he builds it because he can. Unless he’s a professional arsonist, in which case the flamethrower is a vital piece of equipment. Then again, if someone hands you a business card that says professional arsonist it’s probably a good idea to give it back and wipe the gasoline off your fingers before he gets any big, flamey ideas.

Defined as: “a mechanical incendiary device designed to project a long, controllable stream of fire”, the flamethrower really needs a few bits appended onto that nice little description to make it fit better with the parlance of our times.

How about: “A thingy that throws flames, and shit; get over it Martha it’s not that big a deal, Christ”. Better? Better.

I Didn’t Know Alabama Had A Space Program

I Didn’t Know Alabama Had A Space Program

Jeesh, Cape Canaveral really went to hell after people stopped giving a crap about space travel. We already beat the Russkis to the Moon and no one want to nuke anything from orbit anymore, so I can see why a lot of people have lost interest. The last time anyone managed to get to the Moon and back was 1972, and that’s an awfully long time by any standard. If the last successful mission to the moon was a person they’d have grown up, graduated from college, gotten a job at the cracker factory, gotten married, had three kids, raised those kids to adulthood, and drunk themselves to death by now.

I think the string of unsuccessful missions before and after that really put a damper on things; people want Moon rocks, not a big heap of well-done astronaut. I think we need to work our way back up to where we were beforehand instead of starting where we left off. We’re too far gone now, and every useful member of the space program has died of boredom. We need to start off by sending a few monkeys to test the water. If they don’t come back we’ll readjust and try again later. I mean — how hard can it be? If a bunch of robo-dweebs with slide ruler can do it then we normal people can.

(Many thanks to our dear friend Charles Schneider for sending this one along)