Love the big boards, though. I never got the appeal of the little boards and the herky-jerky style they engender. I like a nice, long, heavy board that knocks some sense into the guys surfing in front of me.
Way out west there was this fella… fella I wanna tell ya about. Fella by the name of Koa Smith. At least that was the handle his loving parents gave him, but he never had much use for it himself. Mr. Smith, he called himself “The Dude”.
Now, “Dude” — that’s a name no one would self-apply where I come from. But then there was a lot about the Dude that didn’t make a whole lot of sense. And a lot about where he lived, likewise. But then again, maybe that’s why I found the place so darned interestin’. They call Africa the “A Flaming Hellhole.” I didn’t find it to be that, exactly. But I’ll allow there are some nice folks there. ‘Course I can’t say I’ve seen London, and I ain’t never been to France. And I ain’t never seen no queen in her damned undies, so the feller says. But I’ll tell you what – after seeing Africa and this here story I’m about to unfold, well, I guess I seen somethin’ every bit as stupefyin’ as you’d see in any of them other places. And in English, too. So I can die with a smile on my face, without feelin’ like the good Lord gypped me.
Now this here story I’m about to unfold took place back in the early 2010s — I only mention it because sometimes there’s a man… I won’t say a hero, ’cause, what’s a hero? But sometimes, there’s a man. And I’m talkin’ about the Dude here. Sometimes, there’s a man, well, he’s the man for his time and place. He fits right in there. And that’s the Dude, in Africa. And even if he’s a lazy man – and the Dude was most certainly that. Quite possibly the laziest in Africa, which would place him high in the runnin’ for laziest worldwide. But sometimes there’s a man, sometimes, there’s a man. Aw. I lost my train of thought here. But — aw, hell. I’ve done introduced him enough.
It’s getting harder and harder to catch gnarly waves while you’re on the job, which is why it’s always good to be prepared to surf whenever the opportunity presents itself. Unfortunately, the fellow in the excavator wasn’t prepared, so he pooped himself and fled the scene. We all know what happens to the guy who wrecks the 500,000 dollar piece of machinery, so maybe sprinting off into the sunset was a good idea, but surfing should always come first.
Savage beatings and threats of dismemberment from your supervisor is bad enough, but once your factor in the regret from not riding the excavator like the action-movie bad ass you aspire to be, life becomes unlivable. You might as well just take a bath with your toaster and get it over with, because you blew it, kiddo.
(Many thanks to Charles Schneider for sending this one our way)