Browsed by
Category: airplanes

You Stay Classy, Continental Airlines

You Stay Classy, Continental Airlines


Have you ever wanted to fly on a plane with shag so thick it’ll drown a toddler? Me neither, but when was the last time you were able to comfortably stand up in a plane, let alone grab a mixed drink and play pong? Exactly. These days you’re lucky if you have enough room to properly own and operate all four appendages. I’m not in a position to buy my own private jet yet, so I have to settle for the garbage that’s currently on offer. I assume that many of you are in a similar position.

Flying in a commercial airliner is closer to riding on a Greyhound bus than soaring majestically over the clouds. Even the first class cabins in most planes are pretty meh. I’m pretty sure Air Emirates offers hookers and blow for anyone flying first class, but they’re the outlier in this case. The average cabin looks like the inside of a PVC pipe with some carpeting and uncomfortable seats. What happened to the buffet and dinette sets? When did things go so wrong? We don’t have to have crappy, boring plane rides, we just do.

Some people might say that the reason why we’re confined to our seats is for safety, but that’s kind of a load of crap. I’d rather hit turbulence while standing at the bar, getting hammered on complimentary mini-drinks than sitting in a glorified deck chair, surrounded by people who are way too sober to be flying.

Suspect Is Armed And Dangerous, Approach With Caution Unless You Want A Nasty Paper Cut

Suspect Is Armed And Dangerous, Approach With Caution Unless You Want A Nasty Paper Cut

At least he’s doing something with his engineering degree.

There has to be some sort of military application for a gun that makes and shoots paper airplanes. An entire army equipped with paper-airplane guns would dominate the battlefield. I suspect that enemy troops would become so disoriented from the constant barrage of little pieces of paper they would throw down their weapons in disgust and go home. If that doesn’t cause them to flee their position in terror, we could start launching other papier-mâché eggs and small paper animals.

If that doesn’t work, we’ll break out the flamethrowers and then we’ll see how much they like being covered in paper airplanes.

None of These People Look Even Vaguely Like Maggie O’Connell, But I Still Vaguely Want To Become an Alaskan Bush Pilot

None of These People Look Even Vaguely Like Maggie O’Connell, But I Still Vaguely Want To Become an Alaskan Bush Pilot


Alaskan bush pilots. Honestly, other than cutting your cheeks with a razor, affecting a Heidelberg accent, and wearing a silk scarf all the time, is there any way to pull chicks in a bar that can compare?

I admit that there’s more of a hint of Jimmy Buffet than Jimmy Doolittle about these fellows’ appearance. We can’t have everything, can we? Someone has to shop in Banana Republic, so you don’t have to.

Every New Year, every Intertunnel wag writes a top ten list of failed predictions from years past. Number one is always, “Where’s my flying car?” It’s up in Fairbanks, dude. Screw up your courage and go get it.

Step 1: Steal SR-71 Blackbird Spyplane. Step 2: Watch Video. Step 3: Profit

Step 1: Steal SR-71 Blackbird Spyplane. Step 2: Watch Video. Step 3: Profit

Military pilots are like 50% captains of the football team and 50% valedictorians rolled into one. Being wicked smaht isn’t enough. Being physically capable isn’t enough. You have to be able to pull a bunch of Gs while you’re doing all that thinking, after all. Lummoxes and poindexters need not apply. Then you have to ladle bravery, bordering recklessness, all over being smart and athletic to make the cut. Then, if you’re really dull in addition to all the other requirements we mentioned, you’re qualified to be an astronaut.