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Author: aubuchon

Chinese For Beginners, The Visibly Drunk, And The Mentally Impaired

Chinese For Beginners, The Visibly Drunk, And The Mentally Impaired

I always wanted to learn Chinese, until I found out that ordering a number 18 at any Chinese restaurant will usually get you something good. Then I stopped caring. I can barely speak English as it is, so I don’t really think learning another convoluted mess of a language would benefit me at all. If anything I’d probably regress to a point where I couldn’t speak either language and I’d be rendered mute. The same thing happened in high school when I tried to walk, breathe, and chew gum at the same time. I wound up having a seizure and they made me wait in the nurse’s office while she applied leeches to the other sick students.

At least Chinese doesn’t pretend that it has a real alphabet like some other languages. They just seem to make stuff up as they go along. It’s like an inside joke that 1.2 billion people are in on.

Sometimes There’s a Kicker

Sometimes There’s a Kicker

I won’t say a hero, ’cause, what’s a hero? But sometimes, there’s a kicker. And I’m talkin’ about the Patriots kicker dude here. Sometimes, there’s a kicker — well, he’s the kicker for his time and place. He fits right in there. And that’s the Vinatieri dude, from Foxboro. And even if he’s a lazy man – and kickers are generally that, sitting on the bench for hours at a time. Quite possibly the laziest kicker in Dallas, which would place him high in the runnin’ for laziest worldwide. But sometimes there’s a kicker, sometimes, there’s a kicker…

This Video Seems To Be Mislabeled

This Video Seems To Be Mislabeled

See, its says there on it, “Embarrassing Dad at Electronic Music Festival.” That’s crazy tawk.

I see an embarrassing son in the video. He’s too sheepish to get down wif his bad self, like dad is. He refuses to knock his bony knees around and get down wif the funk, y’all, ugh!

The little turd is just looking off into the middle distance thinking about Minecraft or something. He’s never going to be a fly guy like his old man. He won’t even wear his auto-darkening bifocals with the obese receptionist lanyard goodness.

I’ll give him a pass on the Tom Selleck starter kit his dad’s got going. Hormones have their own schedule, and can’t be bargained with, or reasoned with, and they absolutely won’t stop until, well, you need Viagra. But you gotta make the most of what you’ve got. Would it kill you to pull your black socks at least halfway up to your knees?

Evel Knievel. The Father of Our Social Media Country

Evel Knievel. The Father of Our Social Media Country

Get that? He’s a “professional daredevil.” Now there’s a man ahead of his time. Back in the day, you couldn’t get into trouble simply by asking to borrow a hole punch from a girl in your office. She knew what you really meant, and HR has been notified, you creep.

Anyway, way back before social media, you had to really try to get fired from your job. It was even harder to become a celebrity for no reason. Stunts were just stupid stuff you did with your friends for free until the police or the ambulance showed up. You’d only get your name in newspaper as a cautionary tale, not as a hero. It’s understandable, considering the times. The circus was still making its way across the country, setting up their flammable tents full of parolees, geeks, and fire eaters to amuse and delight. You had to up your game to get noticed by harming yourself. Evel Kneviel is one of the first to see the potential in busting his ankle for for views and likes. He’s the father of Tumblr, Giphy, and Twitter all rolled into one.